What sort of an un-funny joke was Shiv-ji playing on her? She had never been one to blame God for her miseries. She had never even been one to pray to God to ask for something either. When she was younger, there was perhaps a first rank or two that she had begged for. But soon – perhaps around Class X Board exams – she had decided to only ask for the strength to do her best. And for Him to show her the way that her life was meant to head towards. The only thing she had ever actively asked for was the health and happiness of her loved ones. And even then, she had an order Shiv-ji could follow when he assigned his minions their work. Arjun had started to feature in the list some time towards the end of first year of engineering. And he had stayed there – firmly entrenched in her list of loved ones.

Loved ones.

He had been one of them and yet the phrase now meant something completely different.

Don’t break my heart.

How was she going to promise to try when she knew deep inside that she had already broken his heart? By never really get over the one who once broke hers and now seemed to promise to stitch it back together?

Khushi watched as her eyes, dry and listless, looked out at the river in the distance. It had been several minutes since Arjun had made his declaration and then left her alone – to mull things over.

There were no things to mull over. She had thought about it and she had dismissed it. And maybe she might have been able to extract them from the corner of her brain that was dedicated to hopeless dreams like an IE-Mumbai education or at least a size 10  figure – if not for a certain someone who had yet not returned from wherever it was that he had disappeared to. Or if he had come back, he was safely tucked-in in his bed because his charpoy lay as morosely deserted as Khushi herself.

She was such a fool. Why couldn’t she have been insanely angry with Arnav four years ago and as a consequence diverted all her energies to appreciating the person who she was now hurting for no reason at all? Instead she had buried her feelings deep within and focused on everything except dealing with them. The result was in front of her. Here she was – once again – waiting – quite literally at the moment – for Arnav Varun to answer her questions and change her life. Arnav Varun had his chance. He had a love story. And despite that he had led her to believe…

No, a voice in her head argued once again, digging up a debate had been long buried. He had not led her on. He had sung songs. If that was what it took to fool somebody and break somebody’s heart, then all of Bollywood was nothing but a network of heartbreakers. It was stupid to think that AV Sir of 2005 owed her anything except a cordial relationship that two people from the same Alma Mater with common history and geography share with each other. It was she who had decided she wanted to kiss him. It was she who had forgotten that he might not be unattached. It was she who hoped that he wouldn’t be. If only she had let it all go…If only she had banished him from her life…she would be…

Why not now, a little voice suggested. It isn’t too late. Arjun is here. Arnav is not. Arjun has feelings for you. Arnav – may or may not.

Maybe this is why Shiv-ji had made sure Arjun found his courage before Arnav could make his clarifications? Maybe the answer to all her questions was Arjun after all. If she put her mind to it, she could give it a try. She loved him like a friend. She might learn to love him like..like more than a friend. He had a great sense of humor. He had the right attitude towards life. He was always brimming with positivity. And most importantly in this case  – he wanted her.

He wanted her.

Khushi had always been sure that she was meant to go through life alone. She was very ordinary looking. She was fat – irrespective of all the other euphemisms that others used. She focused more on academics than anything that girls were “supposed” to. She even questioned why and who defined things that girls were supposed to focus on – cooking, cleaning, beauty, grooming, arts, creativity – everything that she was bad at. The world she grew up in – from Bollywood to her relatively liberal minded parents – had told her that she needed to be a certain way to be a happy woman.

And Arjun – Arjun wanted to be with her despite the fact that she was the anti-thesis of what was expected of a girl. She needed to focus on that. She needed to count her blessings and make the right decision. Insane stuff like wanting to kiss someone who most likely had been in more than one serious relationship and was definitely nursing the heartbreak of one, was only going to make her regret who she was turning out to be – a spineless woman who couldn’t even save her own dignity instead of falling all over a man who was and probably always would be just a mystery.

Yes, she said to herself softly. Arjun was right. It would have been foolish to dismiss his proposition without a thought. She would say yes to him. She didn’t know what that meant. But she trusted her best friend and she knew she wanted to do right by him. She would give them a fair chance. She wasn’t going to declare feelings as strong as his. But she would tell him that she was willing to try. For once, she was going to ignore her ridiculous Bollywood overloaded brain and focus on what was staring at her in her face.

She pushed herself and slid down the rock and quickly dusted herself. Tomorrow was still a few hours away. And she needed as much clear head as she could get in the next few hours before she could face Arjun. She didn’t owe him an answer tomorrow but she didn’t want to wait much longer. She couldn’t allow herself the luxury of time. Especially when…She shook the thought away and started to walk back to her tent.

She saw him almost immediately. He was walking towards her, his stride urgent and purposeful but head hung low, his face hidden in the darkness. But she didn’t make the mistake of assuming that he hadn’t seen her. There was no way they could miss each other on this open river-side field. But she didn’t want to talk to him anymore. She had waited – too long if she were honest to herself. And now she was calling the wait off and changing her direction – quite literally as she turned to her left and continued to walk. She knew he would call out to her. What she didn’t know was that he would walk right up to her tent. Other than the tastelessness of his apology a couple of nights ago, there had been very little of him and his manners that she could fault.

“What happened?”

It annoyed her now that he could read her so easily, that she didn’t have the ability to hide her true feelings from him.

“Nothing.” She said tersely even as she turned slightly to look at him. He looked utterly disheveled, windblown hair and evidently damp clothes. There was something pinched about his features. He looked like a lost schoolboy and an exhausted man both in one go. For a milli-second, her heart lurched. And then she remembered that if it were left to her traitorous lurching heart, she would have kissed him earlier in the day. And been ruined to even consider the option that Arjun was offering.

“I am sorry if you waited too long – J needed some help…”

“It doesn’t matter,” She replied as she looked directly into his eyes. She didn’t care anymore if she was being rude to him without warrant. She needed to do this for herself. And she didn’t owe him anything. He didn’t owe her anything either. This…was best left incomplete. She opened her mouth to wish him good night and closed it sharply in silence, turning away and stepping closer to the door of her tent

“Ka..” He seemed to be unsure of what to call her once again. “I thought we could talk…Earlier today…I thought…”

She steeled herself against feeling terrible about what she was doing. “No,” she shook her head. “We have nothing to talk about. I don’t…I don’t want to talk. I don’t want to know. Whatever it was…If it takes this much effort, it is probably not meant to be, not worth it. We should forget about it.” She took a sharp breath in, “I should forget about it. Before I screw more things up for me and those…those who really do matter…”

“Khushi,”

She shook her head. “AV Sir…” The force of habit was such a hideous thing. Even if she could think of him as Arnav in her head, in her address he probably would always remain AV Sir – the one who had asked her to sit in a classroom full of boys; the one who had been engaged when she thought he was singing romantic songs for her. A part of her had looked forward to asking him about that night – about the songs. That was before Arjun had declared he wanted to be with her. Now everything was different.

“Arnav,” He supplied for the second time in two days.

“AV Sir,” She repeated with more conviction. “I need to get some sleep. I need to…”

“What happened here?” He asked, this time his voice was laced with agitation she had rarely noticed in his speech before.

She frowned and looked at him. “Nothing.” Everything changed in a blink. “Nothing happened here. Just because I don’t want to talk anymore doesn’t mean something happened. I am perfectly capable of making decisions without having external events force my hand. I should have told myself this years ago. If I had, I might have been able to see for myself before Arjun had to tell me how he felt. If I had, I might have been able to be happy that I have someone as wonderful was him who likes me. If I had, I might have been able to forget about you four years ago…”

She stopped even as her clichéd heart hammered against her ribcage. Her eyes felt heavy as the enormity of what she had just revealed dawned upon her. And then her forehead burst into flames as she conceded that she had only revealed in words what he knew to be true anyway. This was hardly earth shattering news for him.

This time she turned away more decisively and lifted the flap of her tent to walk in when she suddenly felt her forearm being grasped and tugged at. One moment she was blinking to prepare her eyes for the darkness of her River sanctuary and the next she found herself staring into his moonlit eyes, his breath a strange mixture of mint, coffee and something else she couldn’t place.

“You can’t say things like that and walk away, Khushi.” He whispered as his breath fanned her face and made her head swim.

She struggled to extract her arm from his hold and freed herself a second later even as the tussle in their limbs morphed into a battle of their gazes. “You have nothing to worry about. You’ve even apologised for how I feel. You are in the clear, I assure you. You always were.”

“I didn’t apologize for how you feel.” He scanned her face and thrust his fingers through his hair before cursing. When he looked at her, the emotion in his eyes was unrecognizable. “Arjun? He said something?”

She frowned for a second as his question rattled her already jumbled nerves. There was something about that phrasing…Or was it the fact that he had so accurately guessed the source of her distress? Had he been around to hear Arjun? It wasn’t possible – there had been no one – she would have known if there had been anyone nearby. Especially him.

“And you…Is he…is that what you want?”

That tore her up. How dare he question her about what she wanted? Wasn’t it already unfair that he knew exactly what that was? It made her want to break something. It made her want to hurt…

“It is what I could want.” If I tried. If I can see beyond just you. And I will. I need to. She needed to believe it. To be fair to everyone involved, she needed to believe it with all her heart and being.

He didn’t let his gaze waver even for a second even as his jaw tensed with her declaration.

“And what if you didn’t have to make that choice? Even if what you really wanted was available?”

The memory of Arjun congratulating him on his engagement came screaming back to her. When she wanted him, he wasn’t available. Arjun had been – even then. Even if that was not exactly Arnav fault, was she supposed to throw everything she held dear away because he decided he was ready now? And was it fair that he seemed to be able to use her feelings to manipulate what could be between them to his advantage?

“What I wanted,” she started, carefully emphasizing the past tense, “was an illusion. It never existed.”

Her words found their mark as he paled under her gaze. She didn’t know she was capable of hurting. But at the moment, the complete departure from her usually non-confrontational self didn’t bother her.

She held his eyes for a long moment as she watched his face change and yet she refused to see more than what she was feeling.

“You are making a mistake, Kaveri”

The deliberate, pointed use of her first name was not lost on her. Good, she thought to herself. If this was what was needed, so be it. And yet every word he had just uttered, struck her like a whip. And she wasn’t going to be whipped anymore. She was not a floating log – she was the river itself – she should have always been. If anyone had the ability to decide the course her life needed to take, it was her

“No,” She shook her head, “I am only going to fix it now.” Before it is too late and I lose a friend too.

Their gazes clashed and pushed against each other’s only to crash against iron-clad wills. This time, it was she who looked away, suddenly tired. Had it only been a couple of days she had spent here at the River? Had she met Aditi only a day ago? Had the night he had apologized been just a day before? It felt so much longer, so much more draining than any physical activity. her eyes pricked and she blinked before she found herself stepping away from him.

“You really aren’t going to give us…me a chance – to explain about four years ago?”

She felt like a heel even though she knew she didn’t owe him anything. There was only one person she owed anything too. And it was herself. Her – the fat girl who had always wondered what being loved by someone other than family would be like, the new teen who had been laughed at when her crush had been discovered in school. The sounds of laughter as the object of her affection had scoffed at the possibility of her crushing on him years ago echoed in her head. It was not a memory she had allowed back into her consciousness even though she knew it was what drove her and her reactions.

Before she could say anything, she felt his hands close around her wrist. A sharp tug later, she was pulled flush against him, her face now barely inches away from his. His eyes – inky as the sky above – glittered almost dangerously. It was a side of him she had never seen – not even just moments ago. “If we had kissed earlier today, would you still have considered Arjun’s proposal?”

His words wrapped themselves around her heart and squeezed so hard, she found it difficult to breathe. He was being careful not to point out that it would have been her kissing him if at all. And yet, her temper flared.

She pushed against his grasp and glared right into his eyes.

“If I kiss you now, will you still consider Arjun’s…”

The words seemed to die as she realised how close he was, their breaths mingling even as river and mountain sang in the space between them. Her eyes felt so heavy, her lashes lowering even as she struggled to push him or pull herself away from this madness that he seemed so intent on suddenly. What was he doing? And why wasn’t she fighting him harder?

“You wouldn’t” She whispered.

His mouth seemed to twist into the ghost of a self-deprecating smile. “You don’t know anything about me.”

It was like being stung as the enormous accuracy of his words weighed down on her. She shook her head. “You wouldn’t.”

For a long moment, he stared at her, his eyes unblinking as he seemed to weigh the consequences of his decision in his head. And then something changed. It flashed between them like a lost promise. “Khushi,” He whispered as his lips grazed hers in the briefest of moments.

It was like exploding into a million pieces, every bit of which buzzed in her blood and screamed in her ears. It frightened her that she could feel this way about something that only she would classify as a kiss. Why…

“I know you don’t need my advice – I am the last person you will take seriously at the moment. But,” His voice was barely whisper. “What you are planning to do – it is not fair to anyone…Not to Arjun and,” There was a sharp intake of breath between them as her fingers curled into her palm, “Definitely not to you”

She wanted to laugh out aloud. Fair? Yeah it wasn’t fair. Nothing was fair. And now she wanted her share of being unfair. She said nothing and watched blankly as he put more distance between them. She wanted to run into her tent before she threw herself at him again.

A few steps and he turned away, the sound of pebbles under his feet almost the same as her breaking heart. She almost reached out to call him back when he turned. The moon had disappeared behind a cloud. And though the cloud did have a literal silver lining, darkness was fast filling her vision. She could see nothing of his eyes and his face anymore.

“I wish you luck. I hope you never regret the decision you are making.”

With that Arnav Varun, turned and walked away.

They seemed to have been dancing the dance of not knowing which way their heart swayed for years. And yet, there was a sense of finality in his departure now. It was exactly what she wanted. The tears that blurred her vision, were just the tantrums of a greedy heart.

River Song, Music and Lyrics

Song Title: Kahi Aag Lage

Album: Taal

Singers: Asha Bhonsle, Richa Sharma, Aditya Narayan, Chorus

Music: A. R. Rahman

Lyrics: Anand Bakshi

 

Pyaar bada, harjaai hai

Par pyaar bina, tanhaai hai

Dil mat dena kehte hain, sab dil dete rehte hain

Jab neend chura lete hain, rat jage mazaa dete hain

Khushiyaan isi ke gham se

Raunak isi ke dam se

Na ho yeh rog, toh saare log, le lein vein jog

 

Note: Please do visit Babbling Brooks for a new Arjun-Kavi OS by AlwyzT. 

Next Update: Aug 8-9, 2016; midnight IST

792 thoughts on “Chapter Fourteen: If Wishes Were Horses…

  1. Mera khayaal hain abhi
    Jhuki hui nigaah mein
    Khili hui hasi bhi hain
    Dabi hui si chaah mein

    Main jaanta hoon mera naam
    Gunguna rahi hain woh
    Main jaanta hoon mera naam
    Gunguna rahi hain woh
    Yahi khayal hain mujhe
    Ke saath aa rahin hain woh….

    Liked by 10 people

  2. Just caught up! Gosh what amazing 2 chapters! Meera, you are weaving magic with your words!!! And this is not even ‘the Emerald Isle’!! How do you do this???! What a heart wrenching chapter and yet so subtle….sigh…so this is how they turn paths again..

    AV sirs intense stare and voice and everything….I can actually feel every single bit while I read..and what’s more…I read both chapters twice! And Kavi…I can see her trembling and tearing…wow!

    Can’t wait for the next M…eagerly am!

    Love and cheers!
    Rayolight

    Liked by 4 people

  3. Does Khushi realise the huge mistake she is making? As Arnav said, this is not fair on her ,Arjun or Arnav. In trying to save her friendship, she will lose all that she holds dear. Silly girl!

    Liked by 5 people

          1. We have a farmhouse in India and thewifi connection is terrible there. And with all the people I had to see there and the visits between the family and the in laws, there was absolutely no time to read. Making up for lost time now! ☺

            Liked by 4 people

  4. Kaveri Khushi Gupta, you silly silly girl!! Ugh!!!!!!!!
    What have you done?

    Pyaar kiya nahi jata, ho jata hai……you know this simple yet irrefutable fact.
    Then why are you setting up 3 hearts to break by being guided by your fear and guilt.

    I’m going back to read the prologue to convince my heavy heart that this is not the end of Arnav and khushi.

    Bol Meera bol sangam hoga ke nahi……..

    Liked by 4 people

  5. Oh god!!! What an update! I was anticipating the kiss! Oh arjun!!! Poor khushi! Even Im finding it hard to choose… Can’t even imagine what she must be going through. And Arnav’s parting words…bang on!

    Like

  6. My heart breaks for K and her conviction that she’s quite unlovable. That she is reconciled to being alone all her life because she’s too “fat” to be loved by a man.
    But here she is with two men declaring if not love, then definitely deep attraction to her. I hope someday she realizes that.
    She’s hurt confused and completely torn up inside with the realization of how deeply Arjun feels for her and how she may have unwittingly led him on to believe she could some day return those feelings.
    I do wonder though why Arjun kept all this information about AV Sir from her all those years ago and even now. Why drag out the “I have a surprise for you” instead of just telling her that AV is going to be at the camp.
    Right now she’s too shattered by Arjun’s words to think too rationally and that kiss hasn’t helped either. But I think she owes Arnav a chance to at least explain what happened at Aarohan.
    And again I hope she realizes that by being with Arjun – the first man ever to express anything for her – she’s doing him an injustice if she is not fully engaged emotionally and physically. By deciding to save him any more pain for the present she is going to destroy him in the future.
    And Arnav… what he did 4 years ago was wrong. Consciously or subconsciously he led K on. Yet he should be allowed to talk about it na?

    Liked by 4 people

  7. Is Khushi trying to convince herself that Arjun will make a good life partner , I doubt she will mange to do that.
    what goes around comes back in this very life, hence Khushi today has done to Arnav exactly what he did 4 years to
    her .Not deliberately .
    Arnav’s anguish seems very deep.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Ooh khushi what is she thinking…she considered once arjun to love only in her thoughts…thats it…she never thought about arjun that way…but now she wants settle things between by saying yes to arjun…i think this is not a fair decision by khushi…like arnav said this decision of khushi will not be a good one…

    Liked by 1 person

  9. There she goes again self-deprecating, doubting, second guessing & having mixed feelings. Want to throw down the towel and hide behind Arjun… compromising and settle for less.

    How intuitive both are towards us each other. Without saying word he knew something was wrong. Not wanting to share her innermost doubtfulness still went ahead and told him what was on her mind.

    Wow! What a chapter? Speechless and dumbfounded. Kudos to you Meera. Sorry at the moment don’t have any words. Wow!👏👏👏👏👍👍👍👍

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Aaah… this was heartbreaking. :-(
    Y cant she give him a chance to explain, she is willing to give Arjun a chance for being around for 4 years but opening up now, just coz she doesnt want to lose a friend…
    But what of the love and the heartbreak she literally carried in her heart for the same time.. doesnt she owe it to herself to hear it out, than just dismiss :-(
    Y khushi, y?

    As usual, your words r an emotional treat to read. My heart broke at the AV’s parting words.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Not saying Arjun doesnt deserve a chance… just that that chance shouldn’t be driven by guilt. It needs to be more.

    Been at this crossroads and made a choice she is making …but not for the same reason. It was and is for more than owing it to the one who stood by u… its coz u know the value of the person in your life and truly want to be with them.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. khushi kaveri gupta….in one moment you came back to be a immature girl…..
    you are making a mistake…..but i can’t completely find you at fault because if you find a guy who wanted you for the person you are and you were his first choice ever and another guy who unknowingly broked your heart…who will you choose…..and here arjun is her best friend….. but in the chakkar of not losing a friend she will end up giving arjun a deep wound….his heart is going to be broken…and i knew it..
    Ya you itself is a river….only you can decide your path…but wat ever it is the it will only end up in ocean…uski manzil samundar hai

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Unrequited love. One of the most painful moments in your life. To be on the receiving end of such adore and being unable to reciprocate those feelings is difficult. It takes a turn for the worse when the person before is a dear friend or loved one. Who you can’t think of ever hurting? What to do in such a situation? How to go about moving forward and also keeping sure that the relationship never changes. However, whatever you do, it will change forever. It changed the moment when Arjun confessed. Oh, Shivji – yeh kya hogaya? A night meant full of unknown promises and thrills, just took a bittersweet turn.

    “How was she going to promise to try when she knew deep inside that she had already broken his heart? By never really get over the one who once broke hers and now seemed to promise to stitch it back together?” What a twist of fate?

    All in all, Kaveri is also sure that she has no romantic feelings for Arjun. However, now she is mulling that maybe she could have given him a chance. However, in her heart, there was only space for AV only. Though, her growing irritation is justifiable. Why is he late? Where has he disappeared? It happens to the best of us. When we start having vague feelings for someone, every negative about them start coming in the forefront. Every action is seen in a negative light. That’s what is happening with Khushi at the moment. Again, the anger, though late is reasonable. AV came and went without permission and consideration, destroyed her very being, and now he wants a re-entry. From Kavi’s POV, it makes perfect sense. AV baba it will not be so easy to get Kavi back again. Even though Kaveri is forgiving types, she is not the forgetting types. However, there is a rationale side as well that is trying to absolve AV. Afterall, she initiated the kiss; she indicated that she still was looking for more. Poor Kavi.

    The debate – Arjun and AV. Both are amazing in my dictionary. However, Khushi’s argument in favour of Arjun makes only sense on paper. The heart wants what it wants. And, it wants AV. It wanted it from the time he asked her to sit down in a class full of boys. The arguments that Kavi gives in Arjun’s favour appeals to me. He wants her. It is said one should be with someone who wants you, not the other way around. Arjun accepts her. AV is a mystery. His feelings might not be there.

    “She even questioned why and who defined things that girls were supposed to focus on – cooking, cleaning, beauty, grooming, arts, creativity – everything that she was bad at. ” Koi toh smajha meri feelings and dard. Zero creativity, barely there cooking skills and a messy being, reading Khushi’s struggles throughout the story have been therapeutic. Maybe, that’s why I was so amazed and touched with this story. Somewhere in the pages of these stories, I saw myself.

    The romantic in my heart want Kavi to stay and listen, but I also understand her actions. Escaping is better than confronting truths that have potential to leave you with heartbreaks. Yes, avoiding is better.

    ” the one who had been engaged when she thought he was singing romantic songs for her. A part of her had looked forward to asking him about that night – about the songs…” Yes, those songs. When I read this story for the first time, all throughout the first and second book, before it is revealed, I wondered why did AV sing those songs. Why is not telling about them? They did mean something..Why are people not acknowledging that evening? Why did AV sing those songs, and then declared he was marrying someone else. It was so irritating. Hats off to Khushi for the patience she keeps showing.

    ” You can’t say things like that and walk away, Khushi.” The only update where I saw signs of IPKKND’s version of Arnav. Man, the intensity. Hayee, mein marjaun!!!!
    “It is what I could want.”The playoff keeps getting more interesting. Aise intensity ka vaar karte ho aap Meera, one is left with either silly smiles or deep sighs…You have been one of the best things that came out from my addiction of IPPKND. And, maybe I should also say that IPKKND fictionverse is lucky to have you…

    Then the kiss. The slight graze that even left me breathless. Could it have been any better? You couldn’t have ended with a better ending than this. Just wow. You know how to pack a punch and deliver this surprising ending.

    ” They seemed to have been dancing the dance of not knowing which way their heart swayed for years. And yet, there was a sense of finality in his departure now. It was exactly what she wanted. The tears that blurred her vision, were just the tantrums of a greedy heart.” As usual, Meera you have a gift and thank you for sharing it with us. The way you play with words and emotions is an accomplishment. I absolutely admire this quality in your writings.

    ” Har Waqt Guzar Jaat Hai
    Par Dard Thahar Jaata Hai
    Sab Bhool Bhi Jaaye Koi
    Kuchh Yaad Magar Aata Hai”

    Liked by 1 person

  14. Such an unfair situation. I know life is not bed of roses. We all have our own assumptions to make and own ways to lead our life. External forces do creep in to rock the balance we try to maintain. Arjun declared his feelings and waiting for an answer. Khushi has decided to give Arjun a chance and Arnav had to appear at the precise moment to warn that her decision to give Arjun a chance is going to cost her and Arjun. Grrrrr! What will Khushi do?
    Cheers…..

    Liked by 2 people

  15. She is punishing herself & Arjun just becos she doesn’t want to loose a friend
    AV sir is right not fair to all three
    In a minute she became immature childish petulant fat teen who was humiliated in front of the entire class

    Like

  16. this us the story where either way my heart is crushed…for arjun or for arnav or khushi…godddd i really think khushi is not making wise choice if she xant forget him without even a hope to see him again how she thinks she ll forget after knowing thr wr chance of being together…its unfair for arjun..n arnav too but he deserve denial more than anyone

    Like

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