Once again, this moment this day

I wonder about you, my friend who slipped away

How might you have laughed

In a tale that this is today?

 

He watched as she stepped away from the bed and paced up and down the room, her back turned towards him and yet everything cold and stiff like he might have never imagined given how wonderfully snug she was when pulled up flush against his body. His blood still thrummed as if inebriated from her nearness. It had always been a Herculean task to keep his need in check with her but today…He was an absolute idiot to have pushed her into saying the words that seemed to be the only salve to his craving. But…

She turned around, her eyes suspiciously glimmering. Shit! She was crying…He practically jumped out of the bed and rushed to stand in front of her. “Khushi…” He said softly, reaching out to wrap his arms around her and pull her closer, vowing mentally to keep himself in check. He needed to feel her against him, just to make sure that the last ten minutes were not enough to threaten what they’d been able to so carefully build over the preceding ten weeks.

She stepped away from him, putting more distance than he was either comfortable with or ready for.

“Please look at me.” He urged, his voice cracking with fear that just hours ago had no place in their newly embellished world – one that was shimmering with promise of a multi-hued future. There was so much to look forward to and yet, all he could think of at the moment was the last day of her stay at the River five years ago. The look in her eyes, it was achingly familiar even as baffling as it was. “I know I pushed you. I am…I am sorry…I really should have waited for you to say the words in your own time. I guess I just took it too lightly.” It was true. Somehow, the fact that she’d laughed at her own five month wait clause had made it easy for him to believe it was just a whim, one of those rare instances of coquetry that he cared little for in other women and yet was such a turn on when he imagined it to being employed by Khushi.

She turned around slowly and blinked repeatedly and rapidly, a gesture he now realized was one to hold tears in check. God! What the hell was going on here? What the hell had he been thinking? And then as suddenly as the waves of guilt had sucked him into their deluge, a rush of confusion and bewilderment knocked at his heart. “Khushi,” He whispered again. “What is the matter?”

She looked at him almost defeatedly and shook her head. “Nothing. I just…I think I just got overwhelmed. I know…” She took a deep breath. “I know you were just… I need to get out and clear my head. I’ll be fine…” She whispered and took another step away from him. “See I told you I am terrible with surprises. I make one effort and…” She chuckled, the watery sound doing nothing to soothe his nerves though it was clearly what she was trying to do. And if anything, it just scared him more.

“No.”

Her eyes widened at the single word inadequacy that was his response. If she wasn’t great at surprises, he was an idiot with confrontation. Professionally, he’d never had an issue calling things out when they weren’t working. Shyam had always maintained it was his biggest strength – even when he was new to the firm, to consulting, to client facing roles. He’d never shied away from calling a spade a spade at work. But in his personal life…“I mean,” He began slowly as he took a step towards her. “If there is something…” He shook his head as his brain failed to grasp the right words.

“There’s nothing. I just told you I need to clear my head…”

“It’s not nothing, Khushi. And we are going to have a lot of these moments in the future. If you decide to keep everything that is bothering you to yourself, we are going to be in a very unhappy relationship.” Dammit. He sucked at this. What the hell was he saying? Rather, why wasn’t he saying it better? This was he was just going to end up pushing her further away…without even knowing what it was that….

“We are going to be in an unhappy relationship anyway,”

For a second, he thought he was just hearing his own words echoing in his head. “What?”

“Nothing….See…I am just…” She threw her hands up in the air. “I need some air. Why can’t I go out and just be for a few minutes? I’ll know what I am saying then…”

“You mean you will measure every word till what you say is nowhere close to as caustic as what you really want to say.”

“Why is that a bad thing? What is the point of letting your words get away and hurt someone when you know better? She asked, her eyes now spitting fire like they rarely did. But when they did…a shiver ran down his spine. She was magnificent like this…and he…

“And don’t say you don’t do exactly the same thing yourself – measure every word before you actually spit something out. This is the pot kettle black thing…”

A small smile broke at the corner of his lips. And it served no purpose but to heighten the blaze in her stance. Her jaw tightened and she stared at him silently for a long moment before she turned away from him and made to walk out of the room.

“Shit!” He cursed and then rushed forward to catch hold of her wrist as she approached the door. He missed her hand and caught her T-shirt instead. Without thinking he simply tugged at the piece of well worn cloth in his hand and closed his eyes in a sigh of near bliss when she tumbled against him. A small groan of unparalleled frustration singed through his skin as his blood rushed south and sent his his head reeling. He was reacting like a starved man – which is exactly what he was and yet it had never been a vice he’d had to fight too hard to keep quiet. If anything, he’d worried, rather stupidly, about the strength of his desires when those around him were finding nooks and crannies to get stupid and as crudely satiated as only boys in in their early to mid-twenties could. This woman, this insanely, ridiculously glorious woman that was in his arms was finally testing his limits in the worst way possible.

“Sorry…sorry…” She was saying to him, he realized as he took deep breaths and clenched his fingers around the cloth at her back, his lungs full of her heady scent. Did she know she smelled like the richest caramel, slightly bitter at the darker edges but bursting with sweetness at the center?

“Why are you apologizing?” He asked lazily as he stopped her wiggling body from making it impossible to stay decent when they were in the middle of a…was this a fight? A disagreement?

“I hurt you…you groaned…I mean you made a noise…” Her eyes were flickering rapidly, her cheeks full of rose. If only the curtains from the window to his left fluttered, the afternoon sun would set her face aglow. And here she was thinking she hurt him?

“This is why…” She continued a second later, her mouth drooping as she spoke. But it was the way her eyes slid from his that he knew they had a problem on their hands.

He watched as she unentangled herself from him and stepped back to look at him. “Why do you think we are going to be unhappy anyway, Khushi?” He asked softly, finally zeroing in on the words that he instinctively knew, held the answer to the puzzle that was spinning around her at the moment.

She looked at him, thoughts rushing and out of her eyes as carefully orchestrated blinks. It was the slight exhalation followed by the sagging of her shoulders that clued him in to the seriousness of whatever she was about to say. And it scared him because for once he didn’t know what to expect.

“Because I am fat.”

He stood in absolute silence as she finished the statement that was – by his own admission – not even on the radar of things that it might have been. A part of him, a really selfish part of him almost expected her to tell him about being pressurized by her parents to get married soon –especially in the wake of that matrimonial lunch date that had sent him scurrying up his alley of last resorts.

He watched as she looked at him, her face flush with embarrassment and her eyes – Shit! She was waiting for him to react to that statement…How did anyone react to that statement? “I don’t…I don’t understand…What does that have anything to do with us?”

Her face fell almost instantly and he knew was messing this up again. He was such an idiot! Wasn’t he supposed to say something that would dismiss her declaration? Wouldn’t that be the right thing to do? He shook his head vehemently. This wasn’t one of those WhatsApp wiles that distant uncles on permanently muted WhatsApp groups kept posting jokes about. This…this was a smart, educated, strong, beautiful woman – a woman he loved – telling him she thought she was…fat. What it actually, perhaps meant was…The thought unsettled him and took him back to the first few weeks of her time at IE-V. How many times had comments about her weight and her lack of conventional attractiveness made him squirm in his seat? Heck, when asked in a roundabout fashion, he had found himself unable to explain his attraction to her…Not in IE-V, not even back by the River. Now…of course, now he knew that it didn’t matter, that an analysis of why was never going to bring joy that the execution of it would. He loved her. What reason was good enough to justify that?

“Why would that make us unhappy, love?” He asked instead, wanting to hear more of her real fears before he could jump in with any reassurances – in words or actions.

“Because I am fat,” She repeated plainly. “And I need to lose weight…especially if…” Her face flamed and she pushed her hair away from her face, her glasses up the bridge of her nose….

“Especially if?”

She looked away as she bit the insides of her cheeks and clenched her fists tight. Everything about her was wound up. “This is insane. What was I thinking?” Then she looked at him again. “Isn’t that enough that I think I am fat and that I need to lose weight…It really is as simple as that?”

He let the words sink in before he spoke. “If you’d said that is why you would be unhappy…relationship or otherwise…then yes, I agree – it is simple – the problem and the solution.” He took a step toward her, careful to maintain his distance so as to not scare her anymore than she already was. “But you didn’t say that. You said that we would be unhappy in this relationship. That – I presume – includes me?”

She let out a small cry of disbelief.  “I cannot believe this. I just confessed about my deepest fear, regret, shame, whatever the hell you can call it. And you are…you are being technical about it.” She shook her head. “I’ve said enough. And there is nothing for you to do…I am…I have already started working on my weight…I will be…”

The comment from a few days ago about wanting being hungry at night suddenly made sense. As did a comment from their time in Detroit when she’d compared herself unfavorable to her sister…There was clearly a pattern here…One he wasn’t sure he was equipped to handle.

“Khushi,” He started again slowly. His mind was crafting to the question he was going to ask. But he needed to be sure before he could say or do anything else. “Why do you want to lose weight?”

She looked at him in sheer incredulousness. “I can’t…” She shook her head. “Can we please forget about this – like I requested right at the beginning of this ridiculous conversation? If only I’d just had two minutes to gather my thoughts…”

“This weight loss program…” He began, ignoring her muted anger. “This is for my benefit?”

She stared at him, a million answers flooding her eyes with sharp tears. It clawed at his heart to see her struggle like this. But it was necessary for them to get through this conversation – however hard it was. If it was serious enough for her to get worked up about it, it was serious enough for him to persist till he knew enough.

“No,” She replied but even in the strength of her voice, he knew she was lying.

“Khushi…”

“Yes. Okay, fine. It is. It is for both of us. But basically,” She placed her palms on her forehead and pressed hard. “I need to lose weight so that we can…so that…” She looked down and swore under her breath once before giving in completely. “Fuck, I am fucking twenty eight years old….I cannot be embarrassed about…” She looked up. “I want to lose weight so that someday, this relationship can be about more than just kissing. That when you kiss me, I am not only worrying about how the folds of my skin feel in your head. That when we…”

“Khushi” He rushed forth and curved his hands around her neck and face, tilting her up so he could look at her. If this was frightening her, he couldn’t help it. “You think we haven’t…had sex because…I don’t find you…”It was so ridiculous that he wanted to cry out loud. “attractive enough to want to…?”

“I have seen myself in mirrors all my life, Arnav. I know what I look like…I have seen all of me…and it is not…it is not pretty. I cannot imagine…If you looked at me and cringed it would…”

“Stop,” He said, his voice harsher than he’d wanted it to be. “What…what the hell is going on in that pretty, smart head of yours, Khushi. Where is all this coming from? What have I said that has made you believe…”

“Nothing!” She whispered. “This is not about you. I never…you have been wonderful. Even this morning…I don’t know why I got so upset about your teasing. I want to be this warm and fuzzy person I imagined being but all I am able to manage are these sharp, hurtful spikes…”

He took a deep breath and brushed his lips against hers lightly. “You want to know why we haven’t done more than kiss?” He didn’t wait for the answer he knew wasn’t going to be forthcoming. “Because I am an old romantic fool, I guess. I wanted for you to say that you love me – of your own accord. I wanted for it to be the moment I could finally relax and let my body behave the way it aches to around you. I would have asked you then if we could make love or if we should wait to get married before we get to that stage.”

She made a small noise at the back of her throat and it sent him headlong into a pained chuckle. “You don’t believe me? Or do I sound like a 60s hero?”

“People were a lot more progressive in the 60s” She whispered, making him chuckle in mirth this time. “Roop tera mastana, remember? Also Julie…”

“The Neha Dhupia one?” He asked with a small smile as he wound his arms around her waist. “You’ve seen that too? Impressive…but it wasn’t as far back as the 60s, you know”

Her eyes grew round and wide behind her glasses and she shook her head. “No!” She cried out. “The…Dil Kya Kare one…”

He smiled at the inevitable appearance of her fondness for Bollywood trivia in their conversations and pulled her closer.

“You knew which Julie,” She said as her brows narrowed and her eyes sharpened. “Why are we talking about movies?”

“We always talk about movies.” He pointed out and kissed the corner of her lips.

“No,” She shook head. “We talk about songs…”

“We’ll have to change that, then. And we can start with Julie…”

“It’s not funny,” She blew out, her eyelashes now spiky with unshed tears. But there was color in her cheeks once again. And at the moment…

“You know why else we haven’t done more than kiss, baby?” He whispered against her ear as he caught her ear lobe with his teeth.

“Don’t call me that. I told you, no one can pull it off. It’s annoying, really.” She said as her fingers curled into his arm. And then a second later, she shook her head and just like that, his body hardened. And she thought she wasn’t…

“We haven’t done more than kiss because you can’t even say the words, Khushi. You can’t say sex. Or make love. Sure you say fuck but as much as I wish it was, it isn’t in the same vein…”

She glared at him. “So this is my fault…? What about the fact that you never said anything either? What about this entire wait till we get married thing? Did you ask me before….” She let out a deep breath. “What am I saying!” She looked up and pushed at his chest, wiggling to let herself out of his hold. “Let me go.”

“No.” He said simply.

 “What do you mean?” She said as she struggled against him, torturing him deliciously. All these days, he’d had to fight his body and look what that had translated to in her head? “Let me go.”

“All these days, I did. And you seem to think that’s because I don’t want what you want. Or at least claim to. Now…wait for a few moments and I will not need to tell you what you do to me.” He bent his head close to her ears again. “You want to see how you are driving me insane? You want me to tell you that when I run my hands against the softness of your skin, I am struggling to not visualize how sexy it would be put my lips where my hands have been? You want me to tell you how I have to fucking breathe just do I wouldn’t rip things and let my teeth mark you in way you’ve marked me by just being with me?”

Her eyes blazed as she stared at him, her skin flush with warmth. Desire, deeper than anything he’d ever felt kicked him in the plexus and bounced off her in strong, glowing ripples. And then she blinked and looked away, pushing against his arms that were still tightened around her waist. “Let me go.”

“Why?” He asked softly.

“Because I am asking you to.”

“And not because you think I don’t want what you want?”

She looked up at him for a second, a muscle ticking in her jaw as she stared into his eyes unblinkingly. Slowly, she shook her head.

“Do you want to make love to me, Khushi?”

She continued to look at him and then pushed his arms again. This time, however, she didn’t ask him to let her go.

“I don’t want to rush you, Khushi. But please don’t mistake that for lack of desire. I want you – in every way a man who loves a woman wants her. I want to make love to you. I want to have sex with you. I want to…” He took a deep breath and bent his head close to her ears. “I want to fuck you. I want you to fuck me back. I hope you want all of these things. Because we may have lost a decade but we have many more to utilize to the best that there is.” His heart was thumping in his chest. It was the boldest declaration he’d made in his life and yet, in the situation, he wondered if it was still adequate. He knew no other way to assure her.

She looked down and nodded her head ever so slightly.

“And we are going to talk about these things.” He continued. “Not make any assumptions without…”

She looked up at him. “We” She specified.

“We” He acknowledged, including himself in the promise more distinctly. “But first we will get some breakfast. I know this great place in…”

She swatted him in the arm lightly and then stared at her own hand as if shocked to have hit him. A decade younger Kaveri would have instantly apologized. Now, however, she just cleared her throat and spoke, no trace of mortification in her voice. “I just told you I need to lose weight. The fact that…” She cleared her throat again. “I mean…Nothing changes the fact that I want to lose weight.”

He bit back a chuckle. “I understand. But breakfast is non-negotiable.”

She rolled her eyes and he swiftly placed a kiss on her surprised lips. God, he loved her so much – complicated and jagged-edged as they were both turning out to be to each other.

“Will you now, please, for the hundredth time…let me go. It’s…a little…too”

This time he chuckled and reluctantly let her go. He watched as she stepped back and evidently kept her eyes fixed on his face, presumably to avoid looking down at the evidence of his arousal. Three weeks ago, it would have awkward for them…Heck, without talking about it, it had been awkward – at least for him. In some way, today, had set them free. He winked at her and breathed in deeply. “Give me a minute and we’ll be ready to go, okay?”

This time her eyes slid down and flared for a second long enough for him to catch her awareness.

“Aap convince ho gayin hai ya…”

“You are shameless” She retorted as she turned away and walked into the small kitchenette, busying herself with something he was sure didn’t need to be attended to half as urgently as her actions suggested. He chuckled to himself and let out a deep breath.

 

River Song, Music and Lyrics

Song Title: Khuda Jaane

Album: Bachna Ae Haseeno

Singers: Shilpa Rao, KK

Music: Vishal – Shekhar

Lyrics: Anvita Dutt-Guptan

 

 

Next Update: Monday, Nov 27, 2017, late night IST

Thank you all for reading and for staying with the River!

 

 

 

 

216 thoughts on “Chapter Twenty Seven: Virgin Territory (I)

  1. Meera is was mind blowing.. always knew Khushi’s most important issue that is her fatness have nothing to do with Arnav.. He loves her and loves her as she is.. It’s only Khushi and her insecurity that makes her go all red and angry and what not is cooked in that pretty smart head of her.. hope Khushiji is convinced with the picture Arnav was making for her.. So happy for this very important talk of their’s.. it is like more than ArShi hum logon ki tension thi aur woh aaj Arnav ne door kar di in words but hume hamesha pata tha.. can understand from where Khushi was coming from.. she have spent her life with those scrutinizing eyes and words of people around her but she don’t need to worry she is having such a handsome man in her life who doesn’t worry about her size but loves her with his everything.. Now losing weight is her wish and her happiness as she doesn’t need to worry about what Arnav have to say about it as he is happy with her even when she is not happy with herself.. and duniya toh gayi tel lene jisko jo bolna hai bolne do about her weight things it has to be her and her Arnav’s concern only, if she is not happy with her weight then she need to do something just for herself and not for anybody else.. duniya kabhi puri nahin padti yeh yaad rakhe.. ArShi and their bollywood trivia is superb.. love to see them suddenly discussing songs or films.. loved the mind blowing update Meera. Thanks a ton buddy for such an awesomely mind blowing story of our favorites ArShi.. <3

    Liked by 1 person

  2. This is was a milestone conversation in their relationship, authorji you just pulled it off so well..
    When AV said ‘we can start with julie’, was so reminded of the IPKND were Arnav says ‘lets go backwards starting with Suhagraat’ :)
    Just cannot wait for the part II.

    Couldn’t comment on the last few chapters but enjoying each update.. thank you for this wonderful work of fiction.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Meera, I cant access my other Gmail id, that is why I created this one just to say something here, I used to comment as sniawwbs before.
    A few months back I had a breakup and you people encouraged me a lot. Thank you so much, words are not enough, I had no support, no parents, no friends, not even a single person.
    Reading this story here gave me a little happiness, for those few minutes I used to forget everything, must be some sort of magic.
    I am so stupid I gave another chance to this guy thinking that he loves me when I could easily leave with dignity.
    And now today months later he dumped me again at my most vulnerable situation, knowing I have nowhere to go now, whatever I have I gave everything for this relationship thinking we have a future together and everything is getting better.

    I am tired and honestly have nothing left now, after two days he wants me to vacate the house when I have no place to go. I have decided to end this miserable life because whenever I had put my faith in it wishing for everything to be fine, it ruined me completely. Meera sorry for posting such negative comment in your space but I had to place to go, to tell what I am going through.

    Thank you for the story Meera
    Wish you all the best
    Thanks everyone

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Oh my dearest dearest girl. No please no. Nothing and no one is worth ending your life and happiness. Please write to me at meera.srinivasan.30@gmail.com. I’ll share my phone and we’ll talk. Fuck that guy! I know you loved him but it is not worth anything if you have come to this! Your life is precious. And I am here for you. I promise! In every way I can I am here to help! Please reach out to me. Please don’t do anything drastic. I’m waiting for your note. We’ll get through this I promise. Just let me help you. Please

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Meera sorry I have no one, please don’t think that I am coward but sach mein I have no one now and nothing to survive too. And the guy I loved for years, himself got me the strongest tablets so that I should not survive after eating them. When I saw his face today, staring at me without any emotions, I was dead at that moment only. I gave each and every penny to him and I cant beg anyone now. Thank you so much Meera, I had stopped crying a few hours back and I was wondering why cant I cry but your message made me cry again. Thank you. There is nothing more than peace that I crave at this moment, I know my life is over, I can feel it

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Following are some numbers that may be of some help. There are always people willing to listen.

          National Suicide Prevention lifeline – 1-800-273-8255

          India – India Suicide Hotline

          Dear

          Arvi, No one is worth your precious life. Please reach out to Meera or someone before you make any decision.

          Liked by 1 person

        2. Life is never over! Never ever! Not if you don’t have money. Not if someone jerk doesn’t know your worth. There are friends waiting to be reached out to. I am here. We are here. Just let us know how we can reach you. We will help. We will find it. There is no begging. There is nothing more important than living this life. And it gets better. Trust me even if you cannot trust yourself. Tell me how to help you and I promise I will try my best to make sure you get what you need to start again.

          Liked by 1 person

        3. We are here. I am here. Life isn’t over. It cannot be. Friends are here waiting for you to reach out. Tell me what you need and I will do my best to help. I’ll personally request anyone here for help I cannot do it. Starting over is an option. It always is. Just let me know how to reach you.

          Liked by 1 person

        4. My dearest Arvi,

          Letting go is the most difficult thing to do. I know you are struggling with that. I know its the most painful feeling in the world. I know the world has collapsed around you. you dont see a way out.

          Right now pain has taken over your being and you are responding to it. I suggest you wait out this for some time though taking your own life seems to be the only solution to all your problems.

          You are a strong girl .. you said it yourself. I cannot imagine going through what you are, so the fact that you have come this far says a lot about your strength. But you are choosing to overlook it because the feeling of loss is excruciatingly painful. I understand. I really do. But dont do anything right now. Just wait out. Just listen to all of us over here for this one time and hang in there. It will hurt, it will cause a lot of pain but hang in there. This is the weak and vulnerable Arvi responding. You gotta give the strong Arvi a chance to decide too, after all they both make you what you are today.

          Its all bleak and miserable right now, I know. But trust me, let this phase pass. Let these thoughts pass. Everything will somehow miraculously get back to normal. I know its hard to believe me right now, but its not the end. Not for guy. Not for anyone. You are worth much more than many such uncaring men or women around you.

          This man you mention won’t be affected. You know that too. Even if you leave or he never sees your face again, it wont matter. All these years you thought of him, now think about yourself. Only yourself. You do know that there are issues in everyone’s lives. They live through that, fight those and live. Thats what you have to do too. Fight for yourself.

          There are people lying in hospitals fighting for that one breath of life, Arvi. You already have one and are thinking of giving it away. Its too precious, sweetheart .. too precious. Because you cant give life to someone even if you want to, its something that’s been granted to you. Cherish it. Make the most out of it. Get out of that toxic relationship and find new ways, you will get there. Hang in there strong soldier. Just hang on to your life at the moment. Let these thoughts pass by. Everything will be okay.

          I agree, one should fight for their relationship with everything they have, but not at the cost of your life. If you hang on now, options will come. Ways will be visible. Just hang in there sweetie.

          Once this horrible phase passes by, a couple of years from now, when you look back.. you will smile and smack your forehead with your palm and wonder …what the hell were you thinking about. Give yourself a chance to be there. Allow Arvi to see that day. You owe yourself that much.

          Reach out to anyone of us. We are here. Who said you dont have friends or sisters? We all are here. Just a message away. Talk to us. Talk to someone. Dont do anything else. Big big hugs.

          Take care of yourself. Only yourself. Always. And I am hoping to see you around for all the future River updates.

          Liked by 3 people

    2. Hey I just read your heartbreaking comment and very very sad about this however I would strongly encourage you not to do or take this kind of step regarding ending your life. This life is precious and why you are wasting it for this jerk worthless person. You have to come out from this Sick relationship and be strong and things will fall your way. There is always a bright light after the darkness. Please I beg you don’t take any step in an impulse. Stay strong my friend and move away from him and I’m sure there are ways you will find your way and you will come out with flying colors. River sisterhood Will be with you always. Can you share which country do you live and is there a way to talk to you.

      Liked by 1 person

    3. Arvi, before you do anything, please talk to us. Please.
      You’re not alone. You have friends, you have us. You have me. Please remember you have a friend here waiting to hear from you.

      Talk to me, Arvi. Talk to me.

      Liked by 1 person

    4. I am sorry Arvi that you have been through a bad phase . But it is just a phase of life . I have been through that phase as well .Many times I was at the door step of the train to end my life , but I am glad that somehow I controlled the urge. Now when I look back , if I ended my life for a particular person my decision would be the most foolish decision . The circumstances are same , but my perspective towards life is different now. I stopped finding happiness in others rather I find happiness in me . I was all alone then , I had friends , family but I was all alone , like a person in the crowd. Find a rental home or hostel Arvi, I know it is not easy for a girl to find an accomodation but it is not impossible,but nothing , not a person , the contraints to find a job , accomodation , nothing is important than your life Arvi . If you are in Kerala contact me for an accomodation or for any help ramyamail@yahoo.co.in or else contact ladies hostel ,YWCA . If job was the issue you can reach out at the same mail , I can help you on that.
      Regards,
      Ramya

      Liked by 4 people

    5. So sorry to read what is happening wirh you. But no man is worth giving up your life for. Please don’t lose hope. Get in touch with some woman help organisation. Do write to us here when things get better. We all are worried about you.

      Liked by 3 people

  4. I spoke to Meera, I am ashamed and I am really sorry to disturb everyone here, last night whatever happened with me just killed me from inside, my thoughts are still not stable, I always thought, whatever happens, happens for good, this time I was just tired, sorry sorry to everyone.
    He took everything from me and when he left today when I didnt have a single penny to go anywhere. I am just clueless but I will try my best. Sorry again, please forgive me

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Arvi… please dont be sorry or ashamed. So glad you spoke here and to Meera. Sometimes some moments we just dont realize our own strengths and blessings… and all it takes is friendly voices and support, which I am sure you will find, to help you through. Have faith and hope. Prayers for you dear… am sure you will face this and emerge stronger… Hugs… we are here… if you need any help….

      Liked by 3 people

    2. Please don’t be sorry or ashamed of anything. What are friends for if not to share. Sometimes we need strength and support to overcome few things in life. You reached out, that’s one step forward. Please gather yourself and stay strong, this phase shall surely pass. Clueless for now, but give yourself time. Big hug. We all are here for you, please remember that. One message away.

      Liked by 1 person

    3. Please don’t apologize! Always remember you have friends in all of us…you can reach out to any one or all of us anytime. We are here for you.
      Stay strong and positive Arvi, you have a beautiful life waiting for you to embrace and live fully…Big hugs!

      Liked by 2 people

    4. Please do not apologize at all and instead we all are so glad that you spoke up here. There is just support available in form of shelter and other help if you have no place to stay or you need help financially. Since I do not know which country you live in I cannot give you more details. However you can Google online and find some help or Let us know country of origin and we can give you some information here

      Liked by 1 person

    5. Dear Arvi
      I saw your post only now. I am glad the friends here and Meera in particular, have been able to reach out to you. Remember, there’s still a beautiful life ahead of you. A life you can lead on your terms, without a care about the jerks of the world. They will always be popping in and out of our lives, but with a positive mindset, you can tackle it all. I am so happy that we are all able to share our happiness and sorrow here at the RiverSide, thanks to Meera.

      Do let us know if help is needed, at any time!! Hang in there!!!

      Loads of love and hugs to you dear.
      Vin.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Arvi dear
    Tons of warm hugs dear. Definitely will pray for u .
    Just had a death in the family couple of months back believe me everything was so bleak at that time, but one step at a time made things livable again dear.
    Have hope dear.
    Yes Meera’s story gave an escape route from all the pain, I used sneak in night and read this story, my comments were smaller.
    Thank u Meera
    Ps old username Desai Mamta

    Like

  6. I dont think I have read another update like this one. So real. So amazing. So unlike anything else in the Arshi FF world. She finally confesses and there is so much about it that is just so.. what is the word.. practical
    You are an amazing writer. Thanks for writing for us

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Finally khushi talked about it. She was afraid that arnav would get bored of her and leave her one day.. can’t blame her bcs she believes in society’s perfection too.. hope arnav will remove her insecurities from her mind completely.. sorry I think have not commented for a long time..

    Liked by 1 person

  8. That was beautiful update Di as usual .😜😃😃 loved to read it from arnav s point of view and glad that kushi s insecurity is out..😂😛 arnav being vocal about his feelings..👌😜 loved how u described both of their emotins and in love with the flow of this story. 😍😍

    Liked by 1 person

  9. There are no words to praise this very sensitive and brilliant chapter. You nailed it perfectly.
    How do you do it? Bringing out the most sensitive subject out of the most introvert girls mouth. Credit goes to Arnav for not giving up and persistent until he found the reason for her upset.
    Loved the way how he proved his attraction to her in a honourable way. Damn Arnav. You are more decent than i imagined.
    Loved this chapter and the way you’ve written it. Hats off to you.

    Happy thanksgiving to you.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Hello Meera
    Khushi is out with what is bothering her , btw the beauty of the chapter is, Arnav is so clueless about this.that was written very beautifully. Meera. Superb chapter.
    Thank u so much
    Ps old user name Desai Mamta

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Words have never been so obstinate and refused to help me out.
    You’ve done something here, Meera. Until I find the words to say what exactly, allow me to disappoint you –


    Your arms around me,
    Your scent wraps
    Steeped in you,
    Desire cracks

    Needs swell, in burning hells
    I clutch your hips tight
    A prayer for sanity, for patience,
    A hope to banish fright

    Savour, slow, don’t ask for more,
    I hear my own voice say
    Oh hopeless one, I have none,
    How do I keep it away?

    Lip to lip, beat to beat,
    And my breath stole
    In greed, in need, I gulp
    The words out your lips, whole

    They split you wide, burning inside,
    I finally see the ones that linger long
    I’ve never felt more helpless, incapable,
    Knowing my words come out wrong

    My love, what did you hear? What do you fear?
    What did I do so wrong?
    Give me a ghost, give me a name,
    Not this that I can’t do for you, only slay along

    When this love all but consumes you and I
    Unhappy, why will we be?
    The first of lasts, the last of firsts,
    Love, my love, we’re nothing ordinary

    Not what we had a decade ago,
    Not what today is still strong
    Not the woman you’re today, mine
    Not that girl who sang a River’s song

    I’ll have the words some day, and you’ll see as I
    Come closer now, hold my hand
    Look at me,
    Oh look at me, and see where I stand.

    By your side, I promise to stay,
    For better, for worse, for what turns tide
    You’re not alone, never
    From me, promise you’ll never hide

    Perhaps we can start, a song, an art,
    To wipe the distress that splits your smile
    Slowly we’ll roast, demons that boast,
    If only for a day, if only for a little while

    Allow me to mark you now, mark you so,
    That theirs fade a colour today,
    Love’s a strength, feels its power,
    Feel what they can’t take away

    What desires hide, what’s inside
    I’ll show you what roars in blood veins
    Say yes, say yes, do a favour
    And bring the parched his rain.

    Until I have the words, allow me this,
    I’ll be happy to, allow me to show you,
    That it is now, it always is,
    All of me, for all of you

    Liked by 9 people

    1. If this is how one disappoints… we’d all be very happy people always! What do I say that will do justice to this Nivi. Nothing at all. Nothing is good enough for this. So thank you for always being here and for being more than I deserve!

      Liked by 8 people

        1. U totally deserve this appreciation,Nivi..
          I just loved ur take on River ..
          That time I’e not read it except TILL bOOK2,CHAPTER 2..
          You can understand that those OSs of urs were of gr8 worth for me ..
          <3

          Liked by 1 person

  12. Just loved loved loved it. Arnav handled it beautifully. they had to talk it out and Khushi should know Arnav doesn’t care about her looks at all . Thank god they could open up. Looking forward for more discussion on the topic……… heheheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee……………

    Liked by 2 people

  13. Hi ..arvi.. i have jst nw read it…i am so so sry u have to go through….but tht doesnt mean u have to take such drastic step…dont ever ever consider urself short….its his loss..and dont ever forget u are worth it….imprint this in ur heart….relationships are sacred..if its urs it will cum to u even if u let it go,if it doesnt cum it was nt urs at all..i know saying these might b easy but going through is hell..but v r all there for u…i am really glad there was meera and u could talk t her and other friends here….dont stop living ur life…enjoy ,have fun, go crazy, do everything,….i am nt saying hurt goes away but it will with time…u jst have t allow it t take away the pain…..be happy always..lots of love…😘😘

    Liked by 1 person

  14. Hi meera this was an another wonderful wonderful update…khushi finally cuming out of her insecurities and telling arnav about it…u have written all the things in such a beautifful way…awwsummm:)))waiting for the next update….

    Liked by 1 person

  15. Hey meera..is there any other stories i can read of urs…pls do tell me..i recently cme across this and couldnt stop reading it all in one go….u have a beautiful was of writing things…pls pls tell me where can i find ur other works..i am really realing hopong to read…pretty please…🤗

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much. You are very kind :) there are few stories / one shots on India forums but those are small pieces. My other full length story blogs are now permanently removed from access unfortunately.

      Like

  16. awesome update.. beautifully written.. glad that finally arnav knows what is bothering khushi.. it was a sensitive issue and arnav handled it well.. cant wait for the next update :)

    Liked by 2 people

  17. Khushi convince hui ya nahi pata nahi but main toh ho gayi hoon 🤣..
    it was a beautiful update .. can’t think of any other way Arnav could have found to make her understand 😁
    Waiting for next update ☺️

    Liked by 2 people

  18. Arnav handled the issue bothering Khushi very well…her weight is her insecurity causing low self-esteem all the way….she fails to understand that Arnav Varun loves her for what she is. Its good they spoke about it and kinda sorted out things…..the last statement of his “Aap convince ho gayin hai ya…” that sort of convinced her knowing how much she is wanted by him….she will discover more as time goes. Well done Arnav…..he is just damn good!
    Beautiful update Meera as always.

    Liked by 1 person

  19. Endearing is the word that comes to mind while reading this chapter, endearing naive complexed Khushi , endearing lover boy Arnav , his endearing puzzlement at how to respond when she calls herself fat, or even his obvious desire to ravish her is so endearingly obvious .
    Lastly love the sentence ” aap convince ho gayi”

    Liked by 1 person

  20. Aww…..how I love these two love sick fools…n omg this old school hunk is so very adorable….Guys like him are really rare n precious!! ….n what a way he has convinced his crazy n pagal khushi😉😜😜…that she is been loved , needed and desired mind , body n soul so desperately !!.. I so damn want those words those heart felt confessions from khushi now ..how can one not say it when u have such an honest, genuine and caring person who is head over heels n madly in love with the real you !!

    Liked by 1 person

  21. It was very courageous of Khushi to put forth her vulnerabilities in front of Arnav. In the beginning I felt that Arnav was in his consultant mode trying to analyze, deduce and give a solution. But when he finally got to know the gravity of the situation, his response was honest, genuine and raw. He did not mince any words to make her aware of his desires and I think that was what Khushi needed. The best part of the chapter was when Khushi first expressed about being fat, Arnav did not give her any false response saying that she was not. He genuinely did not understand how was it related to their relationship.

    Like

  22. awesome update meera
    you showed khushi’s problem in the most realistic way…..it was superb…it was all her insecurities…I really loved the way arnav made her understand and he said about his desire for her….I was stunned by his confession

    Liked by 1 person

  23. Khushi’s insecurities n Arnav’s assurance …
    U handled this delicate issue so nicely ..
    I m commenting for this chapter after reading the last chapter as there was some net problem yesterday..
    After reading all the three epilogues,I wanna reread from the very begining..

    Liked by 4 people

  24. Finally the message has hit home. No one looks like a Bollywood heroin after a days work or after finishing up with house hold chores or waking from bed in the morning. Even the Bollywood heroin doesn’t look like a heroin. Khushi should have understood by now that Arnav loves her the way she is. Even after 10 years, he controlled himself and making do with just kisses and cuddles.
    Cheers…..

    Liked by 4 people

  25. Could you plz. ship AV to me?? I am kinda feeling lonely…
    God, I read his desire many times but every time I felt shiver and shy… but this was the best and only way to get Khushi’s brain…
    Can’t wait to see them ‘Ahem’ do more than cuddling and kissing…

    Liked by 1 person

  26. What is this AV made of ?
    How could a man be so darn understanding , sensitive ?
    He will now try to get KK out of her misery
    I am taking him away if KK does any more nakra
    Parents only want them to be academically proficient, leaving little room for other regular mischief/ stuff girls do
    So KK & Tripti have lived their lives through( Bollywood )films
    Tripti the younger one with no body issues & lots of badass attitude/ chirpiness is much better than KK
    Khushi had all the guys from IE-V fawning , including AV but was so unhappy with herself
    She wore glasses, drowning in kurtis , unkempt hair add to that unflattering opinions about her weight from friends & family
    Is still in shock that AV is in love with her

    Like

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