One Two Ka Four: Now on Substack

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Summer 2026 Release…

Almost a decade later, the pen is dull, the paper is dusty but the story is alive again.

Epilogue: Curtain Falls and Swan Songs (III)

Happy 2018 to you and yours!

As a new year is born, an old story fades away. What lasts forever is the memory that every moment has been. This update goes to everyone who has been and everyone who still is a part of the River. Thank you for being here to keep me going!

 

She placed the hair brush on the dresser and glanced at her reflection quickly – just long enough to be okay with the hazy outline of her appearance and turned away. Her hair shone and her eyes sparkled with thick kohl behind her glasses. A crystal lay nestled between her breasts over a midnight blouse paired with the lightest shade of denim she owned. The effect was un-expectedly slimming and strangely pleasant for an evening under the arc-lights. Or perhaps it was the glow borrowed from a long ago time of a similar setting and the first brushes of love. In either case, she was happy she’d refused to shop specifically for the event and stayed away from braver outfits that Divya and Tripti had tried their best to coerce her into wearing. And in hindsight, she was glad she’d stuck to what she was most comfortable in. The fact that there was jewelry of some sort on her was the most she was willing to do. And of course, the dainty silver watch on her wrist. Many second thoughts later, she’d reached the conclusion that the gift wasn’t as bad as she’d first thought it to be. And that it felt wonderful against her skin, irrespective of how it looked. Anyway, she told herself again, who in the world had the time to take a look at her and ridicule the choice of watch-size on her wrist – of all things! Not even her mother was incentivized to improve Khushi this much!

Chuckling to herself at the thought, she sprayed some of her favorite body mist on her pulse and then stepped out of the small dressing area, only to almost walk into her sister. To say that Tripti glittered would be an understatement. In her deep purple halter neck top worn over indigo jeans, her recently straightened hair falling in thick sheets around her face, all the way to the beginning of her waist, grazing large silver hoops in either ear, she looked stunning. Her eyes were lined with thick kohl just like Khushi’s and her lips sparkled with a dash of the trademark Krishna Tripti lip gloss.

“You look stunning!”

“Navy is completely your colour, Di!”

They burst out laughing as they finished speaking.

“I can’t believe it,” Khushi exclaimed. “You have no suggestions on what I should do differently about my appearance?”

Tripti shook her head with a smile. “It’s like there are million LEDs under your skin. So the fact that you aren’t wearing the drops I bought you to go with that pendant, is going to be ignored.”

Khushi chuckled. “That’s mighty generous of you, sister. I must have done something right in my pichla janam.”

“This janam.” Tripti exclaimed as she rushed to borrow Khushi’s body mist and went on to spray some on her pulse points too. “You picked Arnav Varun. That’s no mean feat. He presented his argument about why a career in India is just as lucrative as a career and a life in a developed country – without Mom pointing out the fact that he had seen both and hence was allowed to make an informed choice…unlike me…”

“I think she is just trying to keep confrontation to a minimum. Future damaad and all that…”

Tripti laughed. “I know.” She shook her head again. “Ten years ago would you have imagined your AV-Sir, Mom and the word damaad in the same sentence ever?”

Khushi quelled the rush of overwhelming emotion in her chest and focused on the lightness of conversation at hand. “She always did like the achcha-bachcha boys better than she liked us. So I am not truly surprised she didn’t argue with him.”

“All the achcha-bachcha boys except Arjun,” Tripti pointed out. “That’s a mystery we cannot solve in this lifetime.”

When Khushi said nothing in return, her sister let out a sigh. “Can I not talk about Arjun without it being a declaration of something momentous? Life is not a TV soap, you know, Kaveri Gupta. Iss Pyaar Ko Kuch Naam Mat Do. And before you latch on to that Pyaar – it just seemed to fit the situation – it doesn’t mean anything.”

“Why isn’t he here today?” Khushi asked though she’d resolved she wouldn’t broach the subject with Tripti.

“I didn’t ask him not to come. If he chooses to sulk…”

“Trip – this entire being offhand business…do you really feel as dismissive about him? Because I am beginning to wonder if…”

“Seriously, Di. Let’s not talk about this today.” Tripti said in a small voice. “I want this evening to be perfect for you. We all deserve some of these days.”

“I am fine, Tripti. And irrespective of whether you talk to me about this today, tomorrow or not, I will always be thinking about you and Arjun and whatever this means.” Khushi watched her sister who was now struggling maintain contact.

“I know. And I don’t know what is keeping me from just blurting it all out. But…” Tripti sighed and then in a moment that came after many months and almost unparalleled intensity, she threw her arms around Khushi and hugged her hard.

At once, Khushi’s own eyes filled and she hugged her sister back.

They said nothing to each other but stayed still, each resting her cheek on the other’s shoulder.

“I love you, Tripti.” Khushi whispered in the same instant as her sister did. “I love you, Di.”

Laughing damply, they stepped away from each other.

“I’ll tell you once you are back from Rishikesh,” Tripti promised after a moment of evident deliberation. And then suddenly her mood seemed to change. “I cannot believe you are taking a trip with Jeej – before shaadi,” She exclaimed, “and the parents are being so cool. Why isn’t Mother Dear worried about your virginity?”

Khushi scrunched her nose. “Shut up, Tripti. We are just taking a trip, Trip. Don’t start tripping over terrible assumptions.”

“Ha! Kisi aur ko bewakoof banao. Don’t tell me you guys haven’t done it. No one shines like you do these without sex. It’s a known fact.”

Khushi stared at her sister in incredulous awe. “I don’t even want to know why you know that and what that means.” She turned away step forward so that they could head out for the evening that lay waiting. “And yes, this is me not-so-subtly telling you that we are NOT discussing my virginity.”

“Discuss, not at all. Just tell me it is a thing of history. I need to know my Di is all grown up.”

“Chalo, Tripti Gupta. We are not talking about this. Arnav said he’ll be here at eight and it’s almost eight.” Khushi said as she walked out of her room.

“Of course. Don’t want to keep your…wait a second, Di, you guys are already talking about Roka and weddings but where is the proposal story? And the ring? Please tell me there is one?”

Khushi sighed. “There is none. That we will get married was a foregone conclusion. It’s not movie-romantic but that’s what it is. And I think…I prefer it.” She said honestly.

Tripti rolled her eyes. “It’s not any type of romantic. So I am wondering if Alum Aarohan is a good setting?”

Khushi’s eyes widened. “No, please…Tripti…don’t you dare even say something like this to him. I will punch you in the face. I promise I’ll do it. In any case, I do need to repay you for that slap from back in 1999.”

Tripti shrugged. “Too late for that – it was a moment and you never have those. And I am not going to tell him but what makes you so sure that’s not what he’s thinking already?”

“Seriously, Trip,” Khushi said as she crossed her fingers. She knew she didn’t have to worry about stupid grandiose gestures from Arnav. Their moments were always strangely private. Other than the time when they sang, the presence of others around almost always seemed to activate a private mode on their emotions. Those times were always more about shared glances and smiles, short phrases whispered in low voices and acknowledged with a barely-there nod.  And yet, her heart was pounding now. She needed to find Arnav and make sure their story was always just theirs.

——–

She found him waiting at the entrance to the staff quarter, deeply focused on his phone – furiously typing away what she could easily guess had to be a work related email. Before she could say anything however, Tripti gave out a shout. Shiv-ji knew, the number of times her sister used the word Jeej, one would think her Jeej was no less than Shiv-ji himself. Sorry, Shiv-ji, she whispered with a sheepish grin.

“Jeej! Don’t you look handsome enough to be my Jeej!”

Khushi smiled and watched as Arnav looked up from his phone, putting it away as his eyes caught hers for a moment, flared and then flitted away reluctantly to find Tripti’s.

“Absolutely. I have to make the effort to make sure I don’t let down my gorgeous Saali.” Arnav replied with a smile as Tripti gave him a big hug. How her own flesh and blood was this comfortable with physically expressed affection, she wouldn’t know, but the sight of Arnav and Tripti sharing these few moments of togetherness was like a shot of adrenaline to her poor lovestruck heart.

“Tell me I look wonderful?” Tripti asked as she stepped away from him and forced Khushi to stop in her tracks behind her. She twisted and turned as if to model how she looked to Arnav, forgetting rather conveniently that she was now over twenty five and not fifteen.

“You do.” Arnav said softly and then raised his eyes to look straight at Khushi. “You look wonderful.”

Khushi smiled and shook her head. Over the last few months, he’d finally learned that she was not one who could accept compliments on how she looked without scoffing or snorting and most often both. This, she realized, was his special AV twist into communicating what he wanted to without invoking her ire and uncovering her Pandora’s box of self-doubt.

“Thank you, Jeej. You are the absolute best. Now,” She turned to look at Khushi and looked at her shrewdly, “You guys obviously want to be alone. I don’t intend to be the haddi in this s.l.o.w.-cooked-kebab. So off I go and see you guys in an hour on the stage.”

“Trip, don’t be silly.”

“Bye, Tripti”

Both Khushi and Arnav both spoke at the same time but of course, it was the discord in their responses that was most hilarious for Tripti Gupta. She laughed out aloud for several minutes before she air kissed her sister’s cheek, calling her a fattu under her breath before traipsing away under the guise of having promised to meet friends from her batch who had flown in earlier in the evening.

“How was your call?” She asked as soon as they were alone and starting walking towards the auditorium. One glance at him confirmed that Tripti had been right. He looked spectacular as always with a navy jacket and stone washed jeans paired with a white shirt. He had pushed his sleeves up to his elbow so that the gash she so loved was visible on one forearm while the other sported a large sporty watch that gleamed in the borrowed light from the halogens above their head.

“It was okay. It’s December and the strength of the practice is practically zero. And for some reason the client has decided they want to see the proposal come in before Christmas.” Arnav said softly as shifted closer to her so that his warmth was grazing her own. “But never mind that,” He said as he turned to put his arms around her waist and pulled her to himself.

“Don’t” She warned as he leaned to kiss her.

“Why?”

“Lip gloss. And I am not carrying any extra. I don’t want to look…”

“Like you’ve been kissed thoroughly?” He asked teasingly.

“Like I didn’t get what I really wanted and had to make do with just a few meagre kisses.” She shot back, without hesitation – a skill that seemed to surprise her.

His eyes widened. “I am hurt! I will have to show you how “meagre” my kisses can really be. Now I cannot wait for us to leave for Rishikesh.”

“Wait a second, we are going to Rishikesh to be able to drive up to DevDwar. That’s all. What else are you hoping for?” She asked with a sly smile.

“You’ll know soon enough, baby. I know you more than you think you know yourself.” He whispered in her ear. “I know what we both want.”

Khushi squirmed in his embrace and clenched her teeth as her body threatened to let go and give in to temptation. “You seem to be awfully sure. I am not sure I like that.” Her voice rasped against his jaw as he buried his nose in the crook of her neck.

“Be that as it may be, I have a spurned motorcycle ride to avenge. I intend to make this trip count in many more ways that one.”

Khushi raised one eyebrow in surprise. “You remember that?” She asked as he adjusted her weight in his embrace and allowed her to slide and rest on the natural bridge his arms formed in their entangled state.

“How can I forget that?” He asked seriously.

“You are kidding, right? You don’t actually mean you felt bad at the time?” She asked curiously. “I was overwhelmed with your presence at the River. And I cannot believe I wasn’t transparent enough to let you know how I felt.”

“You were angry – that was clear” Arnav agreed. “But I still felt…” He shrugged and then as if in a decision made quickly in his head, his eyes resumed their shine. “I need payback. And I know what I want. Okay?”

She pushed his arm away and stepped out his hold. “Seriously, Arnav. It may not be broad daylight but we aren’t invisible either, you know. All this talk…especially when there is so much singing to be done today.”

He laughed and turned so that they were walking again.

“So,” She cleared her throat, “there is nothing weird about tonight and how it will end, right?”

He looked at her with a quick snap of his neck. “You are asking me this?”

She looked at him suspiciously. “No would’ve been a better answer.”

He shook his head. “I cannot believe you don’t trust me!”

“It’s getting harder by the minute, Arnav. What is going on? I told you I do not like surprises. Seriously…”

He turned so suddenly, she almost tripped. Before she knew it, he was kissing her so thoroughly, she had to groan to make him realize she couldn’t breathe.

“What the fuck,” She said, her heart in her mouth and body buzzing with unsatiated desire.

“I have nothing planned.” He said to her. “Though…I did wonder if I…” He shook his head. “I know you now, remember? Trust me.”

“I do.” She avowed with feeling. “It’s just that…Tripti is an idiot. She just…”

“Yeah, she did that to me too.”

Khushi’s eyes widened and she cost her a couple of steps that Arnav took as he continued to walk.

“She told you?”

Arnav looked back and nodded his head for her to follow. “No. She asked me to.”

“To…er…propose on stage?” She offered, latching on the absolute certainty in his eyes that screamed confidence about the fact that they were infact talking about the same thing.

He nodded. “It’s the best way to round this story up – her words, not mine.”

Khushi groaned. “God, this girl is insane. She won’t tell me one bit about Arjun and what’s going on. But she just…I am going to whack her.”

“Ouch, you are worrying me.” Arnav chuckled. “Violence, Kaveri – it’s too much even for you.”

“I should be worrying her. The idiot.” She shook her head. “Seriously, there has to be some filter. My life reads like some sort of romance novel to her. It’s cra…”

“See this is really hurting,” He said.

“God, please tell me you are not doing that. I mean…please…”

“Uff, meri Ma…”

“I am not your Ma…” She quipped, still frowning at the thought of Tripti’s random nonsense.

“Okay. Uff meri Biwi…”

“I am not that either.”

“Then, I guess Krishna’s suggestion isn’t…” He trailed off with a deep throated laugh. “I may not have a ring handy but…”

“Arnav, I will kill you.” She warned. “It’s not funny.”

He curved his arm around her waist and pulled her closer as they continued to walk. “See I always knew, if you get us killed, it won’t be in road accident.”

Khushi’s cheeks burned at the memory of the dialogue he was referring to, instantly taking away the edge of the moment. Perhaps she was overreacting. So Tripti was being herself. Arnav would be himself and allow her to be herself too. She didn’t have to worry so much. God, how had she ever imagined herself to be calm and patient.

“But if and when you do get us killed, I will be happy to sing Khushi ne hamari hume, maar daala,”

She burst out laughing at that. “That was awful.”

“I had to get the making a joke out of your name given its excessive presence in Hindi movie music.” He argued matter-of-factly.

“You are insane.”

“Deewana hun main, deewana nahi” He hummed softly.

Again Khushi chuckled. “What does that even mean?”

Arnav shrugged. “It fits here and that’s all that matters.” He said as they neared the main building and turned towards the old auditorium.

By the time they reached the auditorium, the chaos of the impending session exploded in their faces. Back-slaps and half hugs were exchanged as people wondered about changed appearances and elapsed time. That the volume of Humsafar would be many times that she remembered of Aarohan, was a shock to Khushi’s system – one she didn’t have time to process as she battled exclamations from those who could figure out without being told that she and Arnav were a couple. Of course, there was much hilarious recollection of her “First-Year-Mech” title from those who were her seniors back in 2005.

It was finally a moment before they were due to be on stage, the entire entourage of them that were to sing today, when Khushi realized the others – including her sister –  had stepped away from them, leaving Arnav and her in the wings.

Before she could open her mouth to ask Arnav what was going on, he turned to her and stepped closer. “Krishna was wrong. This, is the way to close the loop on the first part of our story.”

She blinked and urged her mind to process what he was telling her.

“I added one little song for us to sing. Will you sing with me?”

Khushi swallowed as she looked into his eyes, brimming with hope and warmth. And love. She nodded, not trusting herself with words.

“I am assuming you still don’t need lyrics.”

She smiled at that and shook her head. “I still don’t need the lyrics.” She confirmed.

He took a deep breath and stepped a little closer, enough for her to see the sunrise flecks in his eyes and for their breaths to mingle. “If I forget to say it out aloud later, thank you for singing with me today.” He whispered against her mouth as their lips brushed softly. “And forever on.”

River Song, Music and Lyrics

Song Title: Main Agar Kahoon

Album: Om Shanti Om

Singers: Shreya Ghoshal, Sonu Nigam

Music: Vishal-Shekhar

Lyrics: Javed Akhtar

 

Tum hue, meherbaan

Toh hai yeh, dastaan

Ab tumhara mera, ek hai caarvaan

Tum jahaan, main wahaan

 

 

The End

(Click above to find the Author’s Note)

Epilogue: Curtain Falls and Swan Songs (II)

Here’s wishing everyone here a Merry Christmas!

May the season of giving sprinkle your worlds with magic dust and unbounded joy!

 

The little alleyway by the side was now extremely well lit, freshly painted and teeming with people walking in and out of the two sets of washrooms on either end. If anyone had told her that this was the passage to her heart and her heartbreak from a decade ago, she wouldn’t believe it. How could any two people ever have snatched any moments of privacy here as Arnav and she once had? Of course, how could anyone of any age, let alone an eighteen year old with more lights in her eyes than good sense demanded, sit by herself alone – singing, no less – on a ghat by the Ganga without either worrying for her safety or scrunching up her nose at the filth?

“Revisiting all these places wasn’t the best idea after all,” She whispered to herself with a rueful smile as she turned away and walked back into the familiar auditorium, now in its final stages of life given another, grander version was being commissioned all the way across the campus by a generous outgoing class.

“It’s not the same, is it?”

She whirled around to spot Arnav walking up to her from the other end of the same alleyway that she had just vacated, a small smile playing on his lips. “You found me.” She said simply, breathing in her surprise that he indeed had, just as he had all those years ago.

“Not very difficult to guess where you would be especially since you mentioned you’ll see me straight at practice.” He replied as he walked towards her and stopped just inches short of kissing her, breathing an audible sigh of despair as they glanced at their surroundings. “Did you miss me?”

“I’m used to it.” She said as she stared back into his eyes. “At least this time, it was just a week.”

“It’s going to be a lot more once we get back. And I cannot believe we are spending our time here where…” He leaned in, “I cannot even kiss you let alone all the other things that…”

“Stop it,” Khushi whispered and quickly tipped up on her toes to kiss him on his mouth before turning away from him. “Come, let’s go find Nishant-Sir and his soon-to-be-wedded wife.”

“Spoilsport”

“I know. But you still love me.” She quipped with a small smile as looked back at him with a small lopsided shrug

“I’ve created a monster.” Arnav sighed and then walked up to her, slipping his arm around her waist as they walked out of the auditorium.

“I love you too.” She said with a chuckle as she stepped away from his embrace once they saw their friends.

———–

The strain of music filled the sharp slip of silence in the auditorium, now nearly empty at this time of night except the group of alumni that sat scattered in an illformed geometrical shape of undefined proportion.

Khushi watched, her breath caught in her chest as Nishant-Sir nodded slightly at Tripti who raised the mic to her lips without missing a beat and sang the opening lines

Ranjha ranjha kardi ve main

Aape ranjha hoyi

Ranjha ranjha saddo ni mainu

Heer na aakho koi

Khushi fought a frisson of familiar excitement as she heard her sister’s voice echo around her even as Arnav’s strums rushed to thread through the ribbon of her words. No sooner had the guitar joined, Nishant-Sir’s own voice rose like a majestic wave waiting to add its own beats to the sound of music in the room

Ranjha ranjha na kar Heere, jag badnaami hoye

Patti patti jhar jaave par khushboo chup na hoye

Uff, Khushi whispered to herself as she closed her eyes to savor the moment. A small nudge in her ribs told her that she had but a few moments to herself as she needed to join the song, one of the many that the Aarohan of Alums was planning to recreate a couple of days later. It was insane to imagine that Tripti and she would be able to seamlessly sew themselves into the intricate pashmina that was Arnav and Nishant’s troupe of near professionals. Except, in the song that was unfurling around her, there was no trace of unfamiliarity stemming from any corner of their little coterie.

Begunah pakda gaya, Divya began from somewhere her right and Khushi allowed her lips to curve as the men rushed to provide the chorus “Yaaron”

Ishq mein jakda gaya, she sang. Aankh ke dosh mein dil, Divya winked at her soon-to-be-husband, Bewajah pakda gaya

Aankh se hatt ti nahin, arrey hatt ti nahin, arrey hatt ti nahin, Nishant winked right back at her as he sang, sending everyone around them in a tizzy of surprised yet silent chuckles.

Sotey sotey bolta hoon, kabhi bolte bolte sota hoon, he confessed, as if to say that it wasn’t his fault that his Divya had dragged him right into her own brand of shameless insanity

Kya jaane kya hota hai, kabhi jalti aag tatolta hoon

Ek baar to aake dekhe woh bhi, he trailed off as he nodded, shyly even now, to her as Khushi acknowledged and picked up where he left.

Ranjha, ranjha kardi ve main aape ranjha hoyi

Ranjha, ranjha saddo ni mainu Heer na aakho koyi

It was one of her favorite songs, one that she believed didn’t get its due in the shadow of a bad film and what people inconceivably branded as one of the Maestro’s weaker links. That the group had somehow found it just as enticing and even included it right into the repertoire, was nothing short of a miracle.

Just as it was, to hear Arnav’s voice join hers once more in that same carefree manner that shimmered just as much as it sizzled with promise.

Ranjha ranjha na kar Heere, jag badnami hoye

Patti patti jhar jaave par khushboo chup na hoye

They were quite a quintet, Tripti, Divya, Nishant-Sir, Arnav and her. With the others – Jeet and Raghav choosing to restrict themselves to the instruments as they cheered the new additions to the vocals, there was nothing but golden harmony in the auditorium – just what they needed in the lead up to the event.

Jal ja, jal ja ishq mein jal ja, jale se kangan hoye, she raised an eyebrow at her sister who was openly laughing at them.

Jalti raakh laga le maathe lagey to chandan hoye, Arnav joined as he mock-saluted both Tripti and Divya

Ranjha, ranjha kardi ve main aape ranjha hoye, the women sang together, their voices merging seamlessly.

Ranjha, ranjha saddo ni mainu Heer na aakho koye

As the vocals quietened for the interlude, music took over – an array of instruments recreated by the humble keyboard and accompanying drums, expertly managed by Raghav and Jeet.

Waqt katt ta bhi nahin, waqt rukta bhi nahin, Nishant resumed right on cue, as always

Dil hai sajde mein magar, ishq jhukta bhi nahin

And in perfect sync, Arnav joined. Bina tere raatein, arrey raatein kyun lambhi lagti hain?

Khushi fought a blush and kept her eyes averted from either his or those of the other women who she knew were trying to catch hers.

Kabhi tera gussa, teri baatein kyun achchi lagti hain?

Yeh jalte koyle, arrey koyle, ab rakhna mushkil hain

 Ranjha, ranjha kardi ve main aape ranjha hoye, she sang, finally lifting her eyes to look at Arnav

Ranjha, ranjha saddo ni mainu heer na aakho koye

“Stop, stop, stop” Tripti interrupted as both Divya and she burst into uncontrollable laughter.

The rest of the team groaned and Khushi sighed, knowing exactly what was headed her way.

“Okay, out with it, Krishna. I cannot take the suspense anymore. Clearly there is a story here and we might as well know it if this practice is go anywhere useful.”

Khushi raised an eyebrow at Nishant-Sir who looked borderline murderous as he stared at Tripti and Divya in a familiar expression of consternation.

“Aapki shaadi mein Kata kata bechara bakra gaa denge, Nishant-Sir. Take a chill-pill. Believe me, this is funny.” Tripti replied, not batting an eyelid at Nishant Kumar Pathak’s famous sincerity-backed temper.

“Gaya gaya ek aur gaya, bechara,” Arnav whispered in her ear, making Khushi laugh even as she watched him stare at his sister in incredulous indulgence.

Tripti had made a quick two-day trip to Bangalore a couple of months ago and not surprisingly, Arnav and she had struck a rather instant connect. It was evident in an unexpectedly short time frame that she bestowed him with borderline reverence and he returned the favor with unmeasured affection – something Khushi knew to be grateful for, forever. Whether Arnav got along with her parents or not didn’t matter half as much as his relationship with Tripti – and she knew they all knew it. “Nishant Sir or you?” She whispered right back and he laughed too, shaking his head. That’s my sister, she said to him mentally as she smiled to herself and waited for the barrage of teasing to explode in their face.

“Look at them sing Ranjha ranjha with such earnestness and passion. And just two hours ago, they were sitting stone faced and white as sheets in a room of four equally perplexed adults. Seriously, Divya Di, if it hadn’t been for me, that room would have exploded with unspoken nerves. Of course,” Tripti added, “My parents were right there with both of them, sitting like electrocuted ducks who didn’t know what to do with the benevolence of a bountiful spring.”

Everyone, including Arnav and her, burst out laughing though Khushi was sure she and Arnav shared the embarrassment of Tripti’s account being almost entirely accurate and of no exaggeration. The evening had been one of awkwardness spelled with all capital letters. Neither Drs. Gupta nor Khushi and Arnav had known how to break the air of discomfiture that was thick in the Gupta household. It had, in fact, taken Tripti and her irreverence to blast the ice into smithereens so that they could reel the evening back in and at least start to make way for a shared future.

“Pyaar yeh jaane kaisa hai” Divya crooned as soon as Tripti finished regaling the group with more tidbits from the evening.

“Kya kahein, yeh kuch aisa hai,” Tripti and Nishant joined her in a moment of completely unexpected coincidence.

“Kabhi dard yeh deta hai, kabhi chain yeh deta hai,” All three of them sang as Khushi allowed her head to slump into her palms and shook her head.

“Kabhi gham deta hai, kabhi…?” Tripti stopped with a question mark in her verse as she raised a brow in Arnav’s direction.

“Kabhi Khushi deta hai,” Arnav answered with a grin eliciting a groan from Khushi and a never-ending stream of applause from everyone else around.

Thirty minutes and two more practices later, Tripti was still singing Pyaar Yeh Jaane Kaisa hai to herself when Khushi walked up to her and knuckle-rapped her skull in a mock admonition.

“What?” Tripti said, rubbing the back of her head more dramatically than Khushi’s barely there pat necessitated. “If you decide to be Mahatma Gandhi, there will always be Nathuram Godse’s waiting to take aim.”

Khushi raised an eyebrow. “That’s a scary metaphor, Trip.”

Tripti grinned and shrugged. “I love this little group you have Di. You know, this is exactly what I wanted you to do all those years ago. Chalo, der aaye and all that.” She teased. “And…before I forget, did I congratulate you yesterday?”

Khushi smiled and shook her head. “No. You were busy congratulating your…I mean…Arnav…”

“Awww, you can’t say my Jeej, can you? Awww,” Tripti reached out and pulled Khushi’s cheeks much to her disgust. “Awww, Di! Now I really cannot wait to sing Wah Wah Ram-ji. Too bad he doesn’t have a younger brother…I wonder if he has a cousin I could flirt with…”

Khushi instantly sobered. “Trip…”

“I am joking!” Tripti said immediately, her voice never changing as she spoke. “Don’t get all butwhataboutArjun on me now.”

Khushi waited for a long second and decided the moment was not one for serious conversation. And so, she forced a smile and raised her eyebrow. “Now is it my turn to sing Pyaar Yeh Jaane Kaisa Hai?”

“Kya kahein yeh kuch aisa hai,” Tripti sang with a wide smile but it was the sudden dimming of her eyes that was Khushi’s clue to give her a big hug.

“Pyaar yeh jaane kaisa hai?”

The sisters broke apart as Khushi turned to smile at Arnav who was looking at them with a curious smile.

“It’s turning out to be quite the theme song of the evening no?” Tripti said and then wiggled her eyebrows in Arnav’s direction. “Jeej, you have a younger cousin I can flirt with at the wedding – preferably one who can sing Wah Wah Ram-ji with me at your Sangeet?”

“Yeah,” Arnav answered easily as he slipped an arm around Khushi’s waist. “He isn’t much with the singing. But…”

Tripti’s smile morphed into a scowl as she rolled her eyes. “Et tu.”

“Pyaar yeh jaane kaisa hai,” Khushi laughed in melody as Arnav joined her.

Kya kahein, yeh kuch aisa hai

Kabhi dard yeh deta, kabhi chain yeh deta hai

Kabhi gham deta hai, kabhi khushi deta hai

 

 

No sooner had Arnav and Khushi stopped, Divya and Nishant joined in a repetition of the opening lines, Raghav and Jeet in tow with the instruments.

Pyaar yeh jaane kaisa hai

Kya kahein, yeh kuch aisa hai

Kabhi dard yeh deta, kabhi chain yeh deta hai

Kabhi gham deta hai, kabhi khushi deta hai

Tripti raised her hand to them all as the group paused for the music. Nishant-Sir was just about to admonish her again when she broke into song again.

“Humne suna dilbar, puraane log kehte hain”

 

 

Khushi’s mouthed O-ed in surprise as the song Tripti had weaved into the one they were singing became familiar. That there was nothing except the lead actress in common but the songs seemed like they had secret passageways leading to each other, was a gleeful discovery – one Khushi and Tripti had always loved stumbling upon through the years. It had been a few years since they’d done anything new like this and that added to the magic of the moment.

Aise ghane jungle mein kaale bhoot rehte hain, she joined her sister as the others looked on in bemused wonder.

Tere nainon se gar woh nainon ko ladayega

Teer nighaon ka uske dil mein gadh jaayega

Tere ishq ka bhoot, bhooton pe chadh jaayega

Gale milke gale, chale aashiq chalein

Chale milke chalein, deewane hum chalein

Khushi and Tripti paused at this moment and looked at everyone else for a second as Arnav chuckled and joined them.

Do pyaar karne waale jungle mein, kho gaye

Pyaar yeh, Nishant-Sir intruded in a moment of epiphany, jaane kaisa hai.

Kya kahein, yeh kuch aisa hai.

“Do pyaar karne waale jungle mein,” Arnav, Khushi and Tripti sang together, “kho gaye”

“Baaghi bane, paagal bane, deewane, ho gaye”

“This is spectacular! Are you sure you are both Professor Gupta’s own blood!” Raghav exclaimed from somewhere around Khushi and she beamed at her sister.

“We get it from him,” Tripti pointed out. “And wait…can we please focus on this…”

Arnav chuckled out aloud and shrugged his shoulders at Raghav who was shell-shocked to say the least.

“Hmmm….do pyaar karne waale jungle mein, kho gaye” Tripti hummed softly and nodded her head at Khushi who wove in the other song with envious ease. “Pyaar yeh jaane kaisa hai. Kya kahein yeh kuch aisa hai…”

 

 

“Ho gaya hai tujhko toh pyaar sajna…” Divya offered almost tentatively when Tripti clapped her hands loudly, her face alight with the glee of serendipity.

“Laakh kar le tu, inkaar sajna

“Dildaar sajna,” Khushi sang along, “Hai yeh pyaar sajna…”

They had hardly finished the line when Arnav jumped right into the song.

“Har dil jo pyaar karega,” He began, nothing hesitant in his voice. It was evident he knew he had completed the little mash up with unexpected perfection – his choice of song unusual but well fitted. “Woh gaana gayega.”

 

 

Everyone else joined right in, their voices loud and beaming. “Deewana saikdon mein, pehchaana jaayega. Har dil jo pyaar karega…”

The re-transition of tracks followed with well-oiled precision as the men metaphorically took a step back and allowed the women to continue. If there was an internal orchestra in each of their heads and hearts that was guiding them, it was superbly tuned, every person a different instrument and yet completely in-sync with everyone else.

“Aye waqt ruk ja, tham ja theher ja, waapas zara mod peeche.” The three women sang.

“Main chhod aayi, khud ko jahan pe, woh reh gaya mod peeche.”

“Kahan main?” They asked. “Kahan tu?”

“Yeh kaisa, hai jaadu?”

“Har dil jo pyaar karega, woh gaana gayega,” Arnav and Nishant sang with Tripti humming the piece right along

The room burst out with whistles and whoops as the singing came to an end. Multiple conversations broke out in every corner and yet before long, they were all back in that ill formed circle, every one tentatively checking with the rest of the group – some vocally, some otherwise –if they had indeed found their mash-up for the grand finale a couple of evenings later or if this was better preserved for a music video to celebrate the induction of the Gupta sisters and the globalization of the now-not-so-small effort that Arnav Varun and Nishant Kumar Pathak had kicked off in a music den back in Detroit.

 

River Song, Music and Lyrics

Song Title: Jaane Kyun, Dil Jaanta Hai

Album: Dostana

Singers: Vishal Dadlani, Chorus

Music: Vishal – Shekhar

Lyrics: Anvita Dutt Guptan

 

Chhote chhote, kuch palon ka dostana yeh

Jaane kyun ab, lag raha hai, jaana maana yeh

‘Coz when you smile for me, world seems alright

Yeh saare pal yahin, yun hi tham se jaayein, jaane kyun?

Jaane kyun, dil jaanta hai

Tu hai toh I’ll be alright

 

 

Notes

1. And so we come to the end the penultimate chapter of the River. And yes, this one was short. :)
2. The song medley of sorts that is this chapter – HOW I wish there was a way for me to translate this into audio if not a full fledged YouTube cover!
3. Final River Update: Jan 1, 2018, late night IST

 

Epilogue: Curtain Falls and Swan Songs (I)

 

Varanasi, December 2016

“You did what?” She exclaimed as she paused stuffing clothes into the washing machine.

The silence on the other side stretched for a moment after which she heard the small smile in his voice as he spoke. “I think I shocked her just as much as you sound shocked now.”

“Shocked? No, no – I am not shocked. Why would I be?” She said sarcastically, her heart hammering in her chest. She had believed they had time before they needed to broach the subject with the respective set of parents. At the very least, she’d assumed a conversation preceeding the simultaneous announcements in Delhi and Benaras.

“I couldn’t help it, baba. She was pestering me about going to meet some relative’s relative who has a daughter of marriageable age. It got to me and I did what was needed.”

“You did what was needed. Right.” Khushi stated wryly. “It’s a good thing a short temper is not one of my vices.”

“It isn’t?” He teased. “I must have missed the memo, love.”

“You just showed your mother my picture – a terrible one from Facebook that has no business being out in the world except Arjun is a jerk to have tagged me – and…I cannot believe it…” She shook her head, unable to finish the statement in a flutter of nerves. She hated having her picture taken. Worse, she hated other people looking at her pictures and not saying anything pleasant that might be honest.

“It’s a beautiful picture.”

“I am laughing like a lunatic. I don’t think that counts as…”

“That is the exact definition of beautiful.” He argued firmly.

“Okay, stop saying that word. It makes me uncomfortable. And,” She shook her head, “in any case, I didn’t think I would say this ever but it wasn’t the worst part. What you said was….please tell me you are joking,” She pleaded as she sat on the bed and let her shoulders slump.

“I am not joking. And all I did was show the picture and tell her that she was looking at her future daughter-in-law.”

“All you did!” Khushi exclaimed again before shaking her head. In a flurry of adrenaline, she rose and left the small utility area, walked through the kitchen and came to her room, closing the door behind her. A minute of stand still later, she proceeded to pace about her room, not seeing the familiar surroundings that had been her haven for years, the room that had witnessed her feelings for this man on the phone wax and wane more often than the moon had in the last decade. “I thought you were such a gentleman, such a hero…where did that person disappear?” She wailed withholding the fact that this unraveled version she now had by her side was far, far more appealing than the mystery he had ever been. Okay, she corrected herself, perhaps she was exaggerating.

“I love you, Kaveri Gupta.” He said. “Even if you are trying to be mean to me, it isn’t working.”

“What now?” She asked she allowed her thumb nail to slip between her teeth.

“I don’t know. She’s taken the iPad to Papa.”

“Oh my god!” Khushi said again as she clenched and unclenched her unencumbered palm.

“You didn’t think my father would be involved in this?” Arnav asked, now clearly laughing at her.

“You think this is funny?” She asked with narrowed brows.

“If you listen to yourself, I’m very sure you’ll see what I’m seeing. Wasn’t this exactly what we’d hoped to achieve on this trip? Sure it got pulled ahead by a day or so…”

“You barely reached home two hours ago!” She countered.

“I blame my mother. How was I supposed to know she is waiting to unleash two and a half years worth of angst about my marital status in our first in person conversation?”

Khushi took a deep breath. She’d completely forgotten that it was his first trip in two and a half years. And while they hadn’t talked a lot about it, Khushi knew that Arnav’s relationship with his parents, especially his father wasn’t a very happy one in the aftermath of Saira. Time had clichédly dulled some of the rough edges but many still remained.

“How are they?” She asked softly. “Thrilled to see you?”

“Yes.” Arnav replied. “Thrilled is a little bit of an overkill for my parents but I think they are happy. Even my father.”

Khushi smiled. “It’s a matter of time.”

Arnav seemed to think about her platitude for a moment. “It’s the matter of a daughter-in-law I think.” He said softly.

Khushi smiled some more and sighed once again. “I am not nervous at all.”

To this he chuckled. “I have to meet my Professor, my project guide at that, as his daughter’s suitor. You cannot beat that.”

“Suitor?” She interrupted with a laugh. “What are you reading? Jane Austen?”

“I can say lover, Khushi, if you so prefer.” He chimed without missing a beat. “It would be true.”

Khushi blushed and thanked Shiv-ji he wasn’t in front of her to see her redden so. He hadn’t commented on her ability to change colors so easily but she was sure he hadn’t missed it.

“Anyway,” He continued, “The point being – this – having a student fall in love with his daughter must have been his worst nightmare.”

“I am certain he never gave that a thought. And an IE-ian son-in-law? And you to top that? I would be surprised if his reaction is anything worse than shock. I, on the other hand,…”

“An IE-ian daughter-in-law and you to top that…”

Despite the obvious flattery in that statement, Khushi grinned. “You are unbelievable.”

“I hope so.” He replied. “Now go tell Drs. Gupta about us while I get ready to face the music here.”

“I am going to wait till later this evening or perhaps tomorrow morning. This is…too nerve wracking. I cannot…”

“Khushi…”

“No lectures. I don’t want to hear about how procrastination is the root of all evil…”

Arnav laughed. “Okay. I won’t say it. But it won’t change…

She rolled her eyes. “Bye, I have to go now. Ma will be back soon. And I have to go fetch Tripti in a bit.”

“I love you.” He whispered as he bid her goodbye.

“I love you, too.” She answered, her words brimming with lightness that she had never assumed she would associate with this phrase.

—————

The sound of their cutlery punctuated the obvious silence in the dining area as the four Guptas ate their last meal for the day. Conversation was light and mostly pleasant – as Khushi knew it would be as long as they all tapped in on their shared procrastination gene. At the present moment, Tripti had just finished telling them about the completion of her probation period and the fact that she was now eligible for a host of benefits from her organization which she completely intended to leverage – the topmost being the ability to buy a car of any value at zero percent interest. Not surprisingly, Gayatri Gupta had not called Khushi out for not having purchased one yet – in the Gupta household frugality was a virtue.

A sharp nudge in her thigh broke her train of thoughts. Khushi frowned at her sister who was munching on a carrot stick a little too deliberately for her comfort. When Tripti turned to meet her eyes, the nudge became even more visible. If her eyes could speak, Tripti’s would be screaming for her to start talking. Of course Khushi couldn’t be bothered about it. Ignoring the warning in her sister’s look, Khushi reached out for the raita and proceeded to serve herself with great precision and even greater focus.

“I am so glad to see you eating healthy, Kaveri. You’ve lost some weight. Well done.” Gayatri Gupta said with a small smile even as Shiv Gupta looked up at her and frowned.

“You lost weight?” He asked as he tried to assess his wife’s compliment. “I don’t see any difference. Of course, I still cannot believe you are almost thirty! Weren’t you just six?”

“A year more to turn thirty,” Khushi sighed but smiled at her father. The trouble was that in all his absolute good intentions of not paying attention to how she looked or how much she weighed, her father was no better than her mother.

“I don’t know how you are doing it, Kaveri Gupta.” Tripti shrugged. “Clearly you’ve figured out some sort of exercise schedule that is working for you. Because forget the weight, what is up with your hair? When did curls become waves?”

Khushi rolled her eyes but grinned at her sister. If the price of not talking about Arnav was uncomfortable compliments, it was a small one.

“It’s good. I am glad you are taking care of how you look.” Gayatri said softly and in an instant Khushi bristled. “Don’t scowl.” Her mother chided. “I know you don’t like to hear it but being well-groomed and looking nice is important…especially now.”

Khushi put her spoon down and stared back at her mother. “What is that supposed to mean?”

“You know what that is supposed to mean, Kaveri. I don’t know what you are looking for or what was wrong with Rajat but you cannot deny that it is time for you to get married. And Tripti will need to follow suit shortly thereafter. We have been very patient and I completely understand…”

“Gayatri…” Shiv Gupta interrupted softly but by then, the fire on Khushi’s left was already blazing.

“Woah! I thought you guys would let us get through at least one dinner without this talk!” Tripti interjected. “And where did my wedding come from? I am not getting married for two years at least.” She declared. “Might I also add that I will choose my own groom, while we are at it?”

“Don’t talk to me like I am opposed to the idea of you finding your own groom. I have been….We both have been very open to that!” Gayatri Gupta commented, her voice rising like it almost always did with Tripti.

“Sure you have. As long as he is a baniya, and has a professional degree and a stable job, preferably in the US or somewhere outside this country…” Tripti counted off wryly.

“What is wrong with that? Of course you won’t understand till you have children of your own – we’ll talk then.” Gayatri Gupta exclaimed. “And there are many, many boys who fit that description to the T and are very eligible.” She turned to look at Khushi. “Your friend Arjun, for instance.”

Khushi felt Tripti freeze by her side as her shoulders slumped in exasperation.

“Mummy, how many times am I supposed to…”

“It’s just an example.” Gayatri interrupted Khushi, this time albeit a lot more calmly. “To Tripti’s point…”

Khushi glanced at her sister and sighed mentally at the cold set of her mouth. There was no point of dragging this any further. If for no other reason than to improve her sister’s mood, she needed to say the damned thing out aloud.

“Actually,” She spoke, clearing her throat and joining her fingers in a twist on her lap as she quickly looked at her parents before glancing at Tripti. Her sister’s face, of course, transformed instantly and she leaned forward. “There is something I need to tell you both.”

———–

“He didn’t remember?”

“Not at first, no.” Khushi replied as she kept up her pace and strolled through the campus, dawn light casting its familiar lines over buildings and empty roads around her.

Arjun laughed out aloud in her ear and tsk-ed exaggeratedly. “Does AV-Sir know?”

Khushi shook her head with a smile. “Yes.”

“Must’ve broken his heart.” Arjun chuckled.

“Hardly. He was just relieved the conversation is done with. And honestly, Papa remembers very few people. It was a wonder he was able to recollect the title of Arnav’s project when he finally did remember who Arnav Varun was.”

“Is that supposed to make me feel better?” Arjun teased.

“He loves you, Arjun Agarwal. How and why I have no idea. But he really does think the world of you. As does Ma. She hinted at her approval of you as a potential son-in-law again at dinner last night.” Khushi said with a sense of propriety that was fast weakening on the subject given how reticent both Tripti and Arjun were about the subject of their relationship. That there was still one, or the hope pf

“Well, her daughters haven’t been interested, what can I do or say.” Arjun quipped.

“If you keep referring to his daughters in plural, Arjun, I am not sure I can fault Tripti for holding out on you.” Khushi said as a flush of anger, irrational or otherwise, crept up her spine.

“Of course.” Arjun commented wryly. “No one can fault the great Krishna Tripti Gupta. She is flawless. She never fails to remind me of it, either.”

“Arjun,” Khushi started only to have her friend interrupt, this time the frustration evident in his voice.

“You started it, Kavi. And I know why. I know you want to know what is happening. I know you want to know where this is going. But there is nothing to tell. And so I would prefer for you to just get that, for once.”

“For once?” Khushi said, unable to keep the hurt from her voice. She had after all been trying her level best to keep her nose out of this matter. But…

“I didn’t mean it literally, Kavi. Unlike you I do not know to choose the perfect word and phrase every time. So please don’t read too much into it.”

Khushi took a deep breath and tried to rein in the rising sense of disappointment. She hated being right in the middle of this tussle between her sister and her best friend and as much as she loved them both and wanted them to solve their difference, there were moments like these that made her wonder if it was worth it. And if it wasn’t, what did it mean for her friendship with Arjun? He had made a tough journey to hold on to what they had once. She wasn’t sure expecting him to do the same this time was fair. She wasn’t going to stop being Tripti’s sister. And she did love her little baby so much. Did this all mean that she was…No, she shook her head, this was not the time to be selfish. This was the time for her to give Arjun the space he needed.

“I’m going to miss you, here, Agarwal. I never thought I would make it to Humsafar without you.” She said softly.

“I know.” Arjun sighed. “I never thought you’d be the one to go back first, either. But…” He cleared his throat.

“I am almost hoping for this to be another one of Arnav’s surprise things.” Khushi said with a sad smile, verbalizing what was swirling in her head since Arjun had disclosed his unavailability for Humsafar.

Arjun, on the other hand, laughed out aloud. “You know what they say about men changing once they get what they want, Kavi.”

Khushi made a face. “Ewww, Arjun. That’s just…”

“Relax Kaveri Gupta, it was a joke. And I blame you – hearing you call him Arnav is enough to make me lose all sense of propriety.”

Khushi rolled her eyes and turned back towards her house where her sister still slept on as her parents prepared to head out for the day’s classes.

“Anyway,” Arjun spoke into her ear, “what are next steps now? An engagement of sorts?”

“Some sort of ceremonial confirmation,” Khushi admitted. “We cannot get married for the next year given I am due to travel in January and there is no way Arnav will say yes to a Summer or Monsoon wedding. This obviously makes my parents very nervous because I won’t be married when I turn thirty next year. But,” She shrugged, “I don’t think they want to make the effort of placing their wishes in contradiction with anyone else’s – except Tripti and mine, of course. I’m telling you, if there was ever a doubt on where I get my non-confrontational genes, there isn’t anymore.”

“How sensible is dragging this around for more than a year, Kavi?”

“Not very,” Khushi conceded. She couldn’t tell Arjun that she’d already been at the receiving end of a mini inquisition last night about the exact nature of Arnav and her relationship, the conversation severed only by the extreme awkwardness that Gayatri Gupta found herself battling, in the suddenness of Khushi’s declaration. “But given I have more than eighty percent of my weight loss goal still waiting to be achieved, I can use the time.”

Arjun groaned. “You plan on being a pain to eat out with for the next year? God bless AV-Sir and me.”

“Well,” Khushi commented wryly, “Given that you are moving to the Mumbai office in April, there is not much you can say without forcing me to bring up accusations of treachery.”

“True.” Arjun replied. “Anyway, I better be off. I have a call at seven. Perhaps I can catch a ten minute power nap before it.”

Khushi smiled. “Okay.”

“All the best with the singing.” Arjun wished her. “I hope Humsafar is what Aarohan could never be.”

“If you had been here, it would, Arjun.” She replied just as easily as Arjun had wished her.

“Next year, perhaps.” Arjun offered weakly and Khushi felt a familiar tightness in her heart.

“Next year.” She stated with her fingers crossed. “Bye, Arjun.”

“Bye, Kaveri,” He said and just as she was about to disconnect the call, she heard him speak again.

“Kavi,” He said as she placed the phone on her ear again.

“Hmm?”

“I love her, you know. Like I never loved you. Whatever she or you may think, I love her like I’ve never loved anyone else before.”

Khushi felt tears claw at her throat as they slid down from her eyes and squeezed her heart painfully. “I know.” She whispered.

“Don’t tell her I said that. She doesn’t like hearing it.”

“She’s an idiot,” Khushi whispered.

“What does that say about me?” Arjun said with a short laugh before he finally went on to disconnect the call, leaving Khushi’s mind silent and heart empty as she spotted a weak silver sun knocking at the horizon.

 

River Song, Music and Lyrics

Song Title: Dheeme Dheeme Gaaon

Album: Zubeidaa

Singer: Kavita Krishnamurthy

Music: A. R. Rahman

Lyrics: Javed Akhtar

 

Zindagi mein tu aaya toh
Dhoop mein mila saaya toh
Jaage naseeb mere
Anhonee ko tha hona
Dhool ban gayi hai sona
Aake kareeb tere
Pyaar se mujhko, tune chhua hai
Roop sunahara, tab se hua hai
Kahoon aur kya, tujhe main piya

Teri nigaahon mein hoon
Teri hi baahon mein hoon
Khwaabon ki raahon mein hoon
Piya piya piya….

 

 

Next Update: Monday, Dec 25, 2017, late night IST

 

Chapter Thirty: All’s Well That Ends Well

For all those who left because they got tired of waiting for me to find my River rhythm,
For all those who lost interest every time I sought a break,
For those who left and still found their way back,

And most of all

For those who started with me on this journey and stayed the distance,
It means something to me that I have been able to bring this to an end. Thank you all for seeing me through it

 

She looked at the time for a fifth time in less than five minutes and cursed under her breath for being as anxious as she was. Once glance at Arnav told her that she was alone in feeling the way she did. And while it wasn’t surprising given the difference in the relationship they shared with Shyam individually, it made her frown and panic as the time of their intended catch-up with Shyam Anandraman neared.

“If you want us to wait till we speak to your parents, we can, Khushi. I’ve said it before and…”

She shook her head. “No.” She said shortly, unwilling to elaborate for the fear of throwing up like she was sure to if saddled with anymore pressure than she was in anyway. Of course, in an ideal world, she would have told her sister first about her new relationship status and future plans. Then she would have – somehow – gathered the courage to speak to her parents and if all went well, telling Shyam and others in the office would be redundant after wedding cards were sent out – albeit months down the lane.

However, she lived in a world of office romances that had implications on professional ethics, a world where her parents were a two-flights and half a day’s distance away, a world where she’d managed to fall in love with the only man whose personal integrity standards were borderline challenging her father’s – and that was saying something. So while she had managed to croak out her not-so-secret affair to her sister and Arjun – over separate calls and without trying to ask for updates about them in the same breath, she had decided to put telling her parents off till there was a chance for her to do it in person.

And here she was, waiting in Shyam’s office where she had been just a few months ago with a blinking red light standing in from the flesh and blood man who was by her side today.

“He isn’t going to fire either of us, you know.” It was true that A&M had a very open attitude towards office romances – it was encouraged albeit with some measures in place to protect the firm and the coworkers from what could easily transform into unpleasant situations for everyone involved.

She turned to look at him and frowned at the twinkle in his eyes that matched the amusement etched in laugh lines around his mouth and beneath his scar. “Easy for you to say. He is almost a friend to you. For me – he is the head of A&M India – there are four career levels separating us.”

“Seven. He is a Grade 3 Partner.”

“Thanks,” She commented wryly. “That was helpful.”

“I aim to please,” He whispered softly making her blush and look away.

She cleared her throat. “There are levels in the Partnership?” She asked instead and then shook her head. A&M’s hierarchy was not important right now. “You, I was saying, also have the advantage of having spoken to him once already.”

Arnav raised a knowing eyebrow at her and she snorted and looked away. They’d spoken about Khushi meeting Shyam when she’d first returned from the US – an idea that Khushi had dismissed instantly given how there was no technical reason for them to declare something as intimate. She was wrong, of course but for some reason Arnav had chosen to indulge her and she wasn’t one to look gift horses in the mouth.

Now, however…

Arnav reached out for her hand and squeezed her fingers slightly in what should have been reassurance. Except, the tiger had now tasted blood. Even a simple touch sizzled with the speed of a lightening bolt and filled her head with images that were completely inappropriate for the setting around them. She pulled her hands away and rolled her eyes as he smiled to himself and looked away.

“Pyaar kiya toh darna kya, Miss Gupta.” He whispered as he leaned sideways whilst still looking away from her.

Unfortunately, it was the exact moment that Shyam decided to make an appearance. Immediately Khushi scrambled to her feet and wished Shyam a hurried good morning which he returned pleasantly enough but she would be a fool to miss the little smile on his lips as he looked at her and then turned to look at his protégé.

“And good morning to you too, AV.” He said joyfully. “You don’t waste any time, do you? Bright and early as always.”

And that was about the extent of his informality in the conversation that followed. Unlike what she had expected, the talk turned out to be centered on her and what the disclosure of their relationship meant to her more than what it meant to Arnav. Shyam told them in pleasant but no uncertain terms that the project at Wyatt would be the first and the last one where she and Arnav worked together. This was an eventuality that they had expected was prepared for and so it came as so surprise. The fact that both were asked to send an email to HR confirming their mutual consent on the relationship, wasn’t surprising either. Shyam also made it clear that Arnav would be asked to stay away from the appraisals of Consultants – her current level in the organization, in the current year and then on, for every level that she might progress to during the course of their combined stay at A&M. Of course, he would be able to provide his comments offline and via email. Arnav seemed to have expected this too and simply nodded while Khushi struggled with the guilt of what this meant for every Consultant who worked with Arnav and counted on his verbal support during year-end performance appraisals.

By the end of the conversation, Khushi found herself mentally recalibrating her own ideas of a romance by inserting the practical necessities of a shared profession to the ever growing list of reality checks that life was turning out to be. Life – at least hers, she had to admit, was more Mani Ratnam than Yash Chopra. Thankfully, she smiled to herself, the background music in either case remained of her preference and type.

————

Later that afternoon, she found herself wading through the lunch time crowds at the canteen, her eyes refusing to leave the sight of Arnav who was sitting with a couple of other Senior Managers a few tables from where Raagini was seated. She most certainly did not want to eat with Arnav at work – so it was extremely ridiculous that her brain refused to take the break that her heart so desperately needed. As if on cue, her phone buzzed and she shifted the plate she was carrying to one hand to look at the message.

Dekhti hain, jis tarah se, teri nazrein mujhe

Main khud ko chhupaaon kahan?

She chuckled to herself softly. One glance at Arnav’s table told her that he was adept at finding a way to keep track of her a lot less obviously than she was. So she quickly typed up a response and stuffed her phone into her wallet, determined to not let him distract her any more than he did without her assistance.

By the time she reached the table, Raagini was watching her with a small smile, almost knowing in its slightly defined curve.

When they were both seated and well into their meal, Khushi gathered the courage she needed and looked up at her friend.

“You are getting married.” Raagini stated before Khushi could open her mouth.

“No!” She said immediately and then couldn’t help but glance at her left to see Arnav still deeply immersed in a conversation a few tables away.

“No? You have been agitated since morning and then…you almost killed me when I suggested joining the others for lunch…So I figured there was a declaration coming. Since you are not married, that was my first guess. If you had been, I’d have ventured a guess about you being pregnant.” Raagini reasoned.

Khushi chuckled and then took a deep breath. “Well…there is a declaration…but no…nothing as drastic as a wedding…and definitely not a pregnancy” She said, crossing her fingers.

Raagini’s mouth split into a wide grin. “Now I really, really cannot wait. Spill it out.”

“I didn’t want you to hear the rumors from someone else so…”

Raagini’s eyes widened. “So it is true?”

Khushi’s eyes narrowed in an equal and opposite, very Newtonian response. “What?”

“AV?”

“How?” Khushi asked, dumbfounded. She put her spoon down and gave up all pretense of wanting to eat at all.

“It is true??” Raagini nearly squealed.

Khushi blinked and looked away, fighting a mighty blush and a great tsunami of embarrassment. “Er…”

“Oh. My. God” The other girl enunciated. “In eight weeks?”

“No!” She interjected. “Not in eight weeks…I mean…” Well what was she going to say? As much as she hated the fact she fell in love with her boss…no that was weird…Project Manager…it was true. Except the sequence in which those two things happened. Khushi swallowed.

“Wait a second,” Raagini said thoughtfully. “You and AV are from the same college, right? This is more than a decade old? From IE-V days? So back in Cal…”

“Okay,” Khushi stopped her friend. “This is a long story. A really long story. I never thought I would ever recount it to anyone. But if I have to tell you,” She took a deep breath, “I think I will need a more private setting and perhaps even alcohol.”

By early evening, it was almost as if there was little else that people had to say to her or about her. Her imagination or otherwise, she found herself being whispered in the wake off, smiled at, congratulated, even teased. If there were those who wondered how AV and she managed to make a couple, she didn’t find out or care to go looking for. It was bad enough that she still struggled with the incredulous how of their relationship.

——–

“Okay, out with it.”

She turned to look at Arnav who was focused on edging the car out from its unbelievably tight parking space but clearly attuned to her. “What?”

“You have an opinion about the car I drive. I’d like to know it.” He remarked as he shifted gears and drove out of the parking, swerving and turning as the vehicle pulled out of their office. It should have been weird getting out of office together like this but strangely enough, the day’s happenings seemed to have worn her out of her embarrassments.

“I do not!” She lied. “I was just hoping to see a Bullet I think. Or a Harley…”

He looked at her as the car came to a halt at the exit for them to swap their IDs. “My Bullet is parked in my apartment. And no… I am not buying that. You positively had a grimace when I hit the electronic unlock.”

“You…And you commented on me and my nazrein?” She said wryly referring to his message from lunch time. When he smiled mysteriously and didn’t bite the topic-changing-bait, she shook her head in defeat. Clearly she wasn’t very good at masking her feelings anymore. How the mighty fell! “I don’t like this manufacturer.”

“Because it isn’t Speed Motors?” He asked slyly as the car revved up again and joined the traffic outside. They had decided to head to his apartment this evening given he hadn’t yet been to it since he’d returned and because Khushi was dead curious to see how and where he currently lived given the stunning place he had decided to go ahead and purchase. With her approval. Shiv-ji, she whispered to herself, threatened by the enormity of the implication.

“No. If anything I don’t like Speed cars. They are too…boring.” She replied. “There is something off about these folks. Unlike Speed, they don’t seem to want to make an effort to understand the Indian market and adapt. This entire my way or the high way approach isn’t very appealing.” She debated. “Of course, that must be the exact appeal for you.” She added a second later.

He looked at her and raised an eyebrow.

She grinned back at him and shrugged.

“Why haven’t you bought a car for yourself yet?” He asked.

This time she deliberated on the question for a longer moment. “No particular reason. I stay fairly close to work and autos are convenient.” She didn’t mention that Tripti had been eating her head to get a car for herself – something she always wanted to do given how deeply she loved driving and the sense of independence that it provided.

Of course, as if completely in sync with her thoughts, her phone began to ring loudly in the fairly quiet interiors of Arnav’s car. Taking a deep breath in acknowledgment of her present company, she answered the phone following Arnav’s curious glance.

“Yes, Trip.”

“Give me his number.”

She glanced sideways at Arnav, well aware who Tripti was referring to. “Whose number?”

“The Prime Minister’s” Tripti replied wryly. “Of course your boyfriend’s.”

“Don’t use that word.” Khushi said as she rolled her eyes. “And why?”

“Okay, lover it is then. And duh, Di. Because I want to talk to him.” Her sister replied.

Khushi shook her head. “Not going to happen. You can do that in person when the time….is…right.”

“In your words – not going to happen. And you are forgetting that this is just me being nice. I can always connect via Facebook – he has an account unlike you, do you know that?” Tripti quizzed. “And when I send him an invitation to connect, you think he will ignore it? An invitation from his future saali?”

Khushi bit back a smile. “Hold your horses, Tripti Gupta.”

“You do that. It suits you better. I love flying and I am quite excited about this flight.” Tripti quipped. “Now…about that number.”

Khushi took a deep breath, aware that Arnav’s entire focus was centered on her one-sided replies. “Let’s talk about this later.” She almost desperately pleaded.

“Why? What are you doing right now?”

“Err…” Khushi hesitated. “I told you I will…”

“Aha!” Tripti shouted into the phone. “You are with him right now. Of course. I am such an idiot. Di…finally…give him the phone…”

“Absolutely not…”

“What the hell, Di? What am I going to say that you are so worried about?” Tripti asked indignantly. When Khushi simply waited in silence, Tripti sighed. “Fine, I see why you might be worried but…come on, I promise to be nice. I’ll just say hello.”

Khushi shook her head. “No. I don’t trust you.”

“What?” Tripti exclaimed. “Yeh sunne se pehle main mar kyun nahi gayi,”

“Drama band karo.”

“Phone Jijaji ko do.” Her sister argued and this time Khushi had no option but to look at Arnav who was now unabashedly smiling at the road ahead of him. Of course, she was fairly sure that it wasn’t the traffic in Bangalore that had Arnav’s attention and amusement.

“He’s driving,” Khushi whispered in concession but she knew she wasn’t fooling anyone, not especially the man behind the steering wheel.

“Achcha” Tripti chuckled. “Very nice. Itni late evening mein drive karke kahan ja rahe ho tum dono?”

Khushi refused to answer. But then by this time, Mr. Arnav Varun’s patience had met its timely end. He looked at her and shrugged. “Put her on speaker and I’ll say hello.”

Caught with nothing else to hide behind, she asked Tripti to wait for a moment and put the phone on speaker and held it up to him while struggling to keep her arms from shaking in absolute nervousness.

“Hello Krishna.”

“Hi Jeej!” Tripti called out cheerfully even as Khushi’s cheeks caught fire. “Trip!” She exclaimed but both her sister and her…Arnav were beyond caring. “I am so, so glad to have finally spoken to you – ten years later!” Tripti continued.

“Likewise” Arnav said with a quiet chuckle. “Some conversations are worth all the build-up.”

“I like you already!” Tripti replied and Khushi could easily hear the full blown smile in her voice.

“I am so grateful for that.” Arnav replied to which her sister only giggled.

“How are you spending your final days of freedom before joining us in the corporate world?” Arnav asked softly and in that instant Khushi felt a blanket of warmth surround her heart. There was an awkwardness in Arnav’s carefully selected words as much as there was a need to please in Tripti’s desperate attempts at humor. And they were doing it for her. She – she was the link between these people and both of them knew exactly how important the other was to her – and were making an effort to establish a bond. It would take time, she knew. But it heartened her that there was something inexplicably heartwarming about this interaction.

“You must plan a Bangalore trip before you start,” Arnav was saying as Khushi snapped out of her reverie of gratitude.

“Absolutely. Or worst case, we will always have the chance to meet at Humsafar! I have hoped for that to happen all these years, you know.”

Khushi’s eyebrows flew north at Tripti’s admission though Arnav seemed to have almost expected this.

“We will definitely meet at Humsafar this year,” Arnav promised as he winked at Khushi. “But don’t let that keep you from…”

“No…I won’t. I’ve waited…” Tripti trailed away for a second and then resumed with just as much energy. “I’ll make the next earliest trip down, Jeej, I promise. And I want a full evening of singing, Okay?”

She watched as Arnav smiled, his eyes twinkling as if in response to Tripti’s address. “With your company, I would be delighted. As it is your Di seems to have little interest in joining me…”

“Di likes some bhaav, Jeej. That is tip number one for you.”

Arnav chuckled. “Thank you, Krishna-ji.” He replied. “I count on you.”

“Hamare saath rahenge to aap aish hi karenge, you must remember that.”

As Arnav and Tripti exchanged promises and other pleasantries, Khushi smiled to herself and looked out of the window, unseeing the traffic outside even as her lips curved and her heart thudded in eager anticipation of a lifetime of such evenings and more.

——–

It had been a full five minutes since she’d been introduced to the first love of Arnav Varun’s life and yet she wasn’t able to find the strength to tear her eyes away. The six feet wide, three feet tall cabinet shimmered before her unblinking as she let her eyes graze the hundreds of fonts and words – most of them familiar. This, she smiled to herself, was his IE-V famous audio cassette collection. He had not been joking. If anything, his claim was almost too humble for the reality that was staring her in the face. She stepped forward and reached out to the Ks and found the Khamoshi cover. Taking a deep breath, she pulled it out to look at the familiar faces and fonts and pushed it back into place. It was strange – to be able to feel physically – a piece of their shared past – one that she had believed she would never have access to. Overwhelmed by a sense of wonder and gratitude, she stepped away and turned to survey the small music room that by his own declaration was Arnav’s favorite part of the world, second only to the equally illustrious DevDwar – now unfortunately ravaged and apparently unavailable in its former glory. It was a basic room. There were no embellishments, no pictures or posters on the walls, no knick-knacks on shelves and table tops. There was a guitar placed on a cushion table, the newly acquired flute lying in its impressive case by its side and a large keyboard placed on its own table adjacent to the other two.

She drifted to the guitar like it had a pull of its own. And it didn’t surprise her that it was the instrument she had chosen instinctively. Had Arnav Varun been an Arabian Nights demon, his soul would rest in this contraption of wood and string. And with the pluck of finger, she would be able to feel every little thought that trotted about in his head and flickered in his eyes when he looked at her. If there was any mercy at all in the universe, all this and more would happen now, she told herself as she reached out and let her hands feel the gleam of mahogany – burnished bright and rich.

For some strange reason, as soon as her hands found the wood, her eyes fluttered close. Suddenly she found herself far, far away from Arnav’s urban apartment and right in the middle of the mountains with the River babbling by. The crisp mountain air was palpable in the little fancy that had captured her inspired imagination. If she so tried, she knew she would almost see the half moon hanging in the purple skies above as if still waving farewell to the retired sun.

Chupke se sun, she whispered, is pal ki dhun

Iss pal mein Jeevan saara

Sapnon ki hai duniyaa yehi,

Meri aankho se dekho zara

She frowned as the heartbreaking music she remembered from the original song filled her memory. No, she shook her head. As beautiful as the opening lines were, this was not the song she wanted for this moment. So she allowed her brain to shuffle through the infinite playlist she had in her head and pick another song. When it came to her, she chuckled to herself at how ridiculous she would look if Arnav stepped in and found herself sorting through invisible song titles in the air. She smiled to herself and opened her eyes, walking around the instrument to push the curtains apart and allow the fading orange of the city stand in for the memories of the mountains.

Chupke se, chupke se

Raat ki chaadar tale

Chaand ki bhi, aahat na ho

Baadal ke peeche chalein

 

 

 

Jale katra, katra, she sang, wrapping her arms around her waist.

Gale katra, katra

Raat bhi na hile aadhi, aadhi ye

She paused and waited as a smile stole up her cheeks.

Farvari ki sardiyon ki dhoop mein

Moondi moondi ankhiyon se dekhna

Haath ki aad se

Neemi neemi thand aur aag mein

Haule haule maarwa ke raag mein

Meer ki baat ho

She felt him a second before his arms went around her waist, covering hers. He snuggled his face into the crook of her neck and placed a small kiss as his fingers teased the edge of her shirt at her waist, grazing skin.

“Don’t stop,” He whispered almost as soon as she tried to turn to look at him. “If you won’t sing with me, at least sing for me.”

“Sing for you?” She whispered as she turned her head and felt his evening stubbled graze her cheek.

“Hmm…”

Din bhi na doobe, raat na aaye

Shaam kabhi na dhale

Shaam dhale to subah na aaye

Raat hi raat chale

She smiled as she realized she was, incredulously so, living the moment of her song. In that moment, all the cynicism of her teenage years, the heartache of her early and mid-twenties- every thing faded away. It may or may not last forever – this feeling of bliss – but for now…

Chupke se…laga ja gale…

Raat ki chaadar tale

He tightened his hold on her and kissed her neck again as his fingers reached out to release the buttons that kept her shirt in place, staring from the waist up and brushing his knuckles along the length of her torso. If she was to burst into flames by just this much, he was to blame. There could be no more denying it. She turned in a second and allowed her arms to pull him into a hug, fierce as the blood thrumming in her ears

Even without letting his hold slacken, she knew he had stilled in the unexpectedness of her embrace. “I’m not allowed to you ask you if you are okay.” He whispered in her ear. “So you have to tell me if you are not.

She smiled against his lapels. “Give me a minute.”

“How about a lifetime?” He asked almost immediately, the words clear and unrestrained like the person he was now.

She looked up into his face and saw him looking at her seriously. In his sunrise irises, however, was love so strong and sure that it made her mentally stumble. Despite the fact that the strength of his feelings were as fervently mirrored in her own, it surprised her. “Is this a proposal?” She asked nervously.

He shook his head seriously. “No. I need to time to think of something that will beat the Steinway.”

She frowned. “I don’t need…”

“I know. It was a joke.” He said unconvincingly. “This is not a proposal…but given that we just told all of A&M about us,”

“And Tripti and Arjun”

“And Ti-Di and J” He added with a smile which she returned, “I think it only makes sense that I say out aloud now before I am accused of more arrogance…that this is me unabashedly assuming that we are together for a lifetime, that a wedding will follow sometime soon and a marriage for the lifetime thereafter.”

She chuckled and stepped back to his embrace, kissing his neck as she let her cheek graze his chest.

“Is that a yes?”

“I thought it wasn’t a proposal.”

He sighed deeply and tugged at her shirt, forcing her hand to fall away so the two pieces of cloth that were so precariously balanced on her curves followed suit. “I’ll just have to find a way to get to that yes creatively.”

Her mouth curved into an incredulous O for a second and then she reached up to kiss him, nipping at his lower lip sharply even as her body pressed into his.

“Curtains” He rasped, pulling her against himself, his hands splayed at the small of her back. A small shiver ran through spine and the bare skin covering it erupted in gooseflesh. “Lights” She whispered as he waltzed her back to draw the blinds. He paused to look at her for a second and then nodded. He’d promised her he wouldn’t let her wallow in self-pity where she deserved none – not about her body or herself. She was not naïve enough to believe that he would fully succeed but it was the intention that counted. And they would battle – perhaps for the next decade or the rest of their lives, she was sure of it. His good intentions and her years of experience were destined to be arch enemies. However, in this moment, this now of such potency, this now of such promise, there was more to be said and more to be felt than a war of wills. Smiling as she broke off their kiss, her eyelids heavy and drugged with the ministrations of his love, she whispered into his ears, this time with nothing but conviction and the joy of the words themselves.

“I love you, Arnav.”

River Song, Music and Lyrics

Song Title: Rehna Tu

Album: Delhi 6

Singers: A. R. Rahman, Benny Dayal

Music: A. R. Rahman

Lyrics: Prasoon Joshi

 

Rehna tu, hai jaisa tu

Thoda sa dard tu, thoda sukoon

Dheema dheema jhonka, ya phir junoon

Thoda sa resham, tu humdum, thoda sa khurdura

Kabhi toh ad ja, ya lad ja, ya khushboo se bhara

Tujhe badalna, na chahoon, ratti bhar bhi sanam

Bina sajawat, milawat, na zyaada na hi kam

 

 

 

Epilogue: Curtain Falls and Swan Songs (I) on Monday, Dec 18, 2017 – late night IST

Chapter Twenty Nine: Virgin Territory (III)

 

“You haven’t said a word in the last hour,”

Khushi placed her home keys on the table and turned around to see Arnav closing the door behind him. They’d decided to come back to her place straight away, skipping dinner and the plan to return Raagini’s car – both of which suddenly seemed too mundane to waste time over. And yet, it was a reality that her head was pounding and her heart almost about to give up. Her finger nails were now blue and it was still sweltering hot outside, rain still imminent in the air.

“I was listening to the songs.” She said softly. It was a complete lie and though they’d decided to be honest with each other, she knew there would always be things she would keep to herself. Not the things that needed conversation of course, that much she promised herself and him (silently).

“In the hour and ten minutes we took to get home, love, we heard exactly two songs and five hundred advertisements. Not to mention that ridiculous RJ trying to be funny.” He pointed out, every word measured and every inch of facial muscle moving in careful precision. If she had any doubt about the impact of what she had declared on him, it was fast flying out of metaphorical windows.

She widened her eyes, vowing to keep the moment as light as it could be for as long as it could be – for her own nerves as much for his. “You don’t like RJ Avi! How is that possible? He is hilarious. Especially his mimicry bit. He does this impression of a Bangalore local and it’s the best thing I’ve heard ever.”

He smiled and shook his head. “I don’t know whether to compliment or criticize your taste given what it will say of me just as eloquently.”

This time she chuckled and shrugged. “You are sure you don’t want dinner? I have potatoes – I can try and make a sabzi…I cannot cook rotis to save my life but with bread…”

“I don’t want food.” Arnav replied as he walked in through the small foyer into the living room that was not much larger but seemed to be more spacious given Khushi had spent no money or effort in furnishing it more than it needed.

“Okay.” She replied and then looked around her nervously. The small lamp on her right, the sofa-cum-bed on her right, the couple of picture frames on the small room partition leading up to the bedroom, everything in her home, things that made it what it was, suddenly felt alien. They had decided to come back to her house instead of making it to Arnav’s despite the fact that she was curious as hell to know what his space said about him. And though she was thankful for the familiarity around her, she knew that she would never see any of these things the same way after tonight. Something about Arnav’s presence here in her home, the fact that he’d breathed the same air as what probably brushed against her earthly possessions, had changed everything irreversibly.

And that was not all that was going to change irreversibly this night, a voice spoke in her head as she watched Arnav walk right up to her and stop just an inch away. She tilted her head up so she could look into his eyes.

“You are nervous.” He said softly as he reached out to curve his palm around her neck.

“And you aren’t?” She asked him as she felt his skin tremble against hers.

He smiled and dipped his mouth to place kisses on her lips, light ones that teased her mercilessly. “No.”

“Liar,” She accused him as she stepped forward and wove her fingers into his hair.

“Maybe a little.” He confessed when she kissed his ear lobe and nibbled at the skin beneath it. “Khushi, I know what you said earlier,” He whispered as he kissed the base of her neck. “But, I…we’ve waited a long time. Waiting for some more is will be hard – pun intended – but I’m sure we can manage it. If you are not sure about this tonight, we don’t have to rush it.”

“And waste the last minute pharmacy stop?” She asked with a raised eyebrow.

“I knew it bothered you.” He said as he leaned away to look at her.

She smiled and shook her head. “No. I just…” She bit her lip. “You’ll think I am stupid. And worse, in your new we should tell each other everything mode, you’ll tell me exactly how stupid you think that is.”

Arnav chuckled. “Ouch. Here I thought I was being rather sensible with the honesty campaign.”

“You were,” She said as she raised her hand and smoothed his hair away from his forehead only to watch it fall back over his eyes like it had a mind of its own. “But I can’t keep letting you get away with feeling like the only smart one always, can I?”

“If you are still counting, you might want to add this to the list of reasons why I love you.” Arnav whispered as he turned his face and caught the middle of her palm with his lips as his fingers wrapped themselves around her wrist.

“You love me because I make you feel like an idiot?” She asked with a raised eyebrow. “I can do more of…”

Before she could finish her statement, he twisted her arm slightly and pushed it behind her back, pulling her torso up against his as he dipped his head and kissed her again. This time his kiss was different. Perhaps her response was just as different too. They’d known urgency and breathlessness before but this time, there was a sense of certainty and purpose in their exchange that colored everything and left a blazing trail of anticipation in its wake. She felt it in the brush of his hands that slipped under her shirt and tugged at it in silent permission. A wave of embarassment flooded her senses as she recalled her many mirror memories. It took her a minute to push them away and nod ever so slightly in acknowledgement. It was a minute that showed her he was willing to wait an eternity of such – if that’s what it took.

So when he pulled her shirt over her head and cast it aside, leaving her more exposed physically than she had been in front of anyone else, she breathed in deeply and willed herself to focus on the short pulses of pleasure that were tingling against her exposed skin.

“Open your eyes.” He whispered hoarsely. “Look at me.”

She hadn’t even realized her eyes had closed of their own accord. She opened her eyes slowly to look at him staring down at her, his eyes brilliant. She stepped as close as she could and threw her hands around his waist, burying her head in his neck. The feel of his body – fully clothed as it was against her partially bare one, was incomparably arousing. It stole her breath every time the soft cotton of his shirt brushed against her skin.

“You were telling me about the pharmacy pitstop,” He whispered against her ear as his index finger looped into the strap on her right shoulder and pulled it down. Before she could take another steadying breath, he was kissing the slope of her breast, his fingers expertly teasing their way to the evidence of her desire, strengthening it to the point of unnecessary shyness. “If it didn’t bother you…”

“I,” She licked her lips as his head moved further south, exposing more skin as it travelled. Did he really expect her to keep up a conversation when he was doing what he was? “I just realized that all this…”

“Sex, you mean?” His teeth grazed the contrasting contours of skin above her wildly thumping heart.

“Fuck,” She whispered as his tongue replaced his teeth and thought muddled into uncomprehensible chaos in her head.

“That too,” He whispered many moments later as he tugged her other strap down her shoulder and replicated his ministrations. “What did you realize, Khushi?” He asked another set of inexorably pleasure-filled moments later, breathing as heavily as she was when he lifted his head up and looked into her eyes.

“Are you trying to drive me crazy?” She whispered as he leaned in and unhooked her bra, allowing it to fall freely between them before he tugged at her hair and let it fall over her shoulders.

“Is it working? Because that would be a very small peek into what you’ve been doing to me all these days.” He whispered as he allowed his hands to caress her bare arms and curve around her neck and into her hair before pulling her flush against him again, kissing her – now ravenously as he explored everything they had been only testing waters with all these months. “If you could see how sexy you look right now, disheveled and brilliantly warm, you’d never question your attractiveness to me ever again, baby.”

She swallowed her instinct to dismiss his claim and once again reminded herself to feel the sense of carnal bliss that was overpowering every rational thought and every schooled response. “I’d like to be able to see what sexy and dishelved looks too.” She whispered as she tugged at his shirt.

“Take what you want,” He offered simply, his eyes burning as he watched her fingers fumble against the buttons of his shirt. She gave his shirt another hesitant tug, pulling out of the band at his waist. She shivered as his hands slipped down her bare back and curved along the slopes and turns of her body. She licked her parched lips again in what she guessed (correctly) would be last moment of lucidity before she could gather the courage to take exactly what he encouraged her to.

————–

She woke up to the feeling of very agreeable lassitude that seemed to have seeped into her bones. A sense of delicious weariness stretched and snuggled into the unknown crevices she discovered in her own body as she shifted and adjusted herself. The warmth of a gently rising and falling chest, a strong and sleep-laden arm splayed around her waist and curved gently at the curve of her hip and the little brush of surprisingly soft feet against her calves – everything reminded her of just how wonderfully satiated she was.

“Good morning,” He whispered into her ear. She turned around gently in surprise as she saw him watching her, his eyes heavy with what she hoped was sleep. Because if it was desire…Smiling at the barely hidden wishfulness in her own thoughts, she leaned back into his chest. The room was swathed in darkness, the only light coming from the natural paleness of midnight mixed with street halogens and electronic devices displaying time.

“Did I pass out?” She asked with a small smile.

“I wish I could say I was good enough to cause that.” He said softly as he sighed against her jaw and tightened his hold on her waist. A series of warm tingles erupted along her arm and she shivered slightly. A slow rise of heat sent shock waves up her torso and surprised her with the strength of her own response to his proximity. She looked up instinctively at her clock and realized that she had slept for less than an hour.

“Did you fall asleep too?”

“Hmm,” He agreed. “If I had not, you’d be waking up a lot sooner.”

She smiled and sighed against his chest, closing her eyes as she became aware of soreness in hitherto unexercised muscles.

“So what was it you never realized after all?” He asked softly, picking up the thread that had earlier been let go in the pursuit of greater pleasures

“And I thought I was the curious one.” She said with a chuckle.

“When it comes to you, I seem to be a lot of things I never realized I was.” He confessed with a nip at the skin of her neck just below her jaw.

She closed her eyes and suppressed the need to let out a hungry moan.

“Hmm?” He insisted against her and she sighed, realizing that he wasn’t going to let it go.

“I never realized that sex…making love…can be this…ermmm….interesting even when it is so planned.” She confessed. “I mean the well thought of pharmacy visit, of course.” She realized she had half expected him to carry condoms and yet, if he had, she’d have worried endlessly about why.

Arnav chuckled. “You mean what we did was not romantic enough?”

She thought for a moment and then nodded. “Not the kind of romance that comes packaged in fiction, at least.”

He stayed silent in response to that statement but it was a silence that didn’t bother Khushi like some others had in the past. She didn’t know if it was the intimacy of what they’d shared this night or the relationship they’d built in the last few weeks, but she seemed almost sure in the knowledge that he had taken her words at face value.

“You mean a novel version might have had us going at it without care for protection or protocol?”

“Going at it?” She asked with a raised eyebrow.

She felt him smile at against her skin as he rubbed his nose against her ear, deeply inhaling her scent. It was an act so erotic that her skin broke out into gooseflesh all along her arms. As if instinctively tuned in to her actions, he kissed the corner of her bare shoulder. It was a gesture so unexpectedly familiar that she turned to lie on her stomach and snuggled up his body. A smile curved her lips into a crescent that refused to either dim or bloom as the minutes ticked by in slow upsurge in the pace of their heartbeats and of their breaths.

“I’m sorry…”

She looked up at him, confused by the unbridled regret in his voice. When the expression on his face matched right up to the tenor of his voice, her smile finally slipped and her brows creased.

“What’s wrong?”

“I hurt you. I really wanted it to be…”

She leaned up and kissed him, hard enough to make him groan. A lightening bolt of satisfaction shot through her core as she realized she could feel him hardening against her very generous curves. “I have to find a way to make sure you talk less when we are doing this” She whispered as she adjusted herself and allowed her hands to explore. “Does it look like I’m hurt?” She asked as he titled his head back and swallowed wordlessly. She wasn’t, for once, lying completely. When he’d entered her body, as willing and ready as she had been given how eloquently he’d made her body shatter just seconds ago – using his enviously proficient touch and teeth, it had hurt. For a moment following the intrusion, as welcome and eagerly anticipated as it was, she had wondered why sex was even half as exalted as it was. But the sight of him struggling to keep his sanity even as his body surged to claim what nature had programmed it to seek, was enough for her to ask him to slow down but not stop. And as he had worked to help her, a slow tizzle of pleasure had seeped into crashing bodies. That her fulfillment had come from a little help than just the rhythm that was touted to be as old as time, had been of little consequence and endless awe.

“At the moment, no, not quite.” He said gruffly, his eyes closed. Emboldened by the intensity of his response, she continued her discovery, replacing hands with lips. He hissed as she found the most sensitive spots on his body and let herself probe what she had discovered for sharper response.

“I’m trying to take this slow, Khushi.”

“Apologizing was the wrong thing to do, then” She smirked, surprised by her own audacity. Losing one’s virginity may not as pleasurable as romance novels made it out to be but there was something to be said about the freedom it seemed to have bestowed on her to explore what would have only scandalized her if she’d heard about it in third person. She lowered her lips to his arms, tracing the scar she knew marked his skin with a purely erotic allure, with her lips. When she felt him move to accommodate her need for space to do what she was doing, she retraced her paths against other significantly more erogenous lengths of his body, making him groan in a barely controlled entreaty.

“This is torture.” He rasped as she watched his head fall back on the pillow as his eyes closed and his fingers curled into her hair. She felt a surge of power bubble up into her skin as she continued to follow her instinct and learn what his body told her and what her body felt in response.

“Enough,” He said some time later as he flipped her over and loomed over her. “I don’t know how we got through all these weeks without doing this but I promise you I won’t be able to exercise any control anymore. Especially not if you keep up what you are doing.”

She smiled at him. “All talk, AV-Sir” She whispered and raised her hips to meet him, pushing her head back against the pillow even while savouring the feel of his chest against hers. “What are you waiting for?”

“To watch you come apart in my arms,” He said gruffly as he held her hands by her sides and lowered his head, kissing her navel and working his way down. Eventually, she had no choice but to curse with the choicest of expletives in her repertoire as she went on to do exactly what he was waiting for.

————-

She stood in front of the mirror, her glasses folded neatly and placed on the large granite top beside the white basin. She narrowed her eyes and examined her hazy reflection for what she still couldn’t gather courage to do with clarity and artificially enabled retinal focus. Taking a deep breath, she reached out for her glasses while keeping her eyes fixed on the image that copied her actions. As she pulled the glasses on, the hair splayed over her bare shoulders brightened to a more defined black as her pale skin came into sharp focus, tan lines visible at the half-sleeve mark and a slightly fainter one at the V defined by her collar bones. A deep pink bruise marked with the sharp edges of teeth slashed at the base of her neck, twinning with the one that now seemed to permanently reside at the swell of her breast. As the blood seeped in a rush to her face, she lifted her eyes to meet the one that stared back from the wall in front. A small smile curved itself into her swollen lips as her eyes twinkled and swept close in a moment of unfettered and unrivalled contentment.

When the moment passed, she let her arms wrap themselves around her waist and sighed as her gaze travelled downwards in response to her movement and found the bulges that she had so effectively ignored all night long.

He’d seen her at last. All of her. More of her than she had seen herself. And she’d not just survived, she’d relished every moment of it. Okay, she corrected herself, almost every moment of it. She wasn’t sure he’d done anything to help with her lifelong battle with the mirror but there was a sense of desirability that she couldn’t deny. For every one of the flashes of wanting to hide herself behind anything that was available at her disposal, she had moments of complete obliviousness of her own self-confirmed defeciences. And while it was nowhere close to acceptance, it was something.

Years of independent living and the best kind of modern upbringing that there was, however, now screamed in her ears at the inappropriateness of her relief. She wasn’t a woman who needed a man to make her feel worthwhile. Did today and the fact that it was from Arnav that she drew the first breaths of resuscitation that her body needed, change that? Did this make her weaker than she thought herself? Or was this, just another one of those insane human connection side-effects that she struggled with and had craved for all her life? Was needing another to feel better about oneself, a sign of weakness or one of being human? Was it a crutch or a Launchpad, slow poison or a strong endorphin?

She knew, with a deep sigh, that she could argue both ways and convince herself of whatever she wanted to while letting the other side prickle under her skin like an errant splinter that neither hurts nor leaves one in peace. She knew, as she pulled her hair into a bun and readied herself to join the man she loved, that she would feel both in the life that was waiting for her. What shaped her life eventually, was a puzzle she probably wouldn’t see in its entirety till it didn’t matter anyway.

If there was one thing she did know, it was to take what she had and make the best of it. She’d done in every aspect of her life except the one that involved her heart and the man waiting for her outside. Perhaps, she told herself with a last glance at the mirror – bidding it goodbye again after a short and special rendezvous that the past few moments had been, it was time to change that.

River Song, Music and Lyrics

Song Title: O Saiyyan

Album: Agneepath

Singers: Roop Kumar Rathod

Music: Ajay – Atul

Lyrics: Amitabh Bhattacharya

 

Odhun teri kaaya,solah singaar main saja loon

Sangam ki yeh raina, isme tyohaar main mana loon

Khushbu teri chhooke, kasturi ho jaaon

Kitni feeki thi main, sindoori ho jaaon

Sur se zara, behki hui, meri duniya thi badi besuri

Sur mein tere, dhalne lagi, bani re piya main bani bawri

 

 

Last Chapter: Tuesday, Dec 12, 2017, late night IST (I am travelling on Monday)

A three part Epilogue will follow the last chapter

 

Chapter Twenty Eight: Virgin Territory (II)

For all of the wonderful people who found the River and stayed forever – you have been the reason I’ve found my words on more than one occasion!

 

“I am never going to lose weight like this,” She complained as she looked at the almost empty array of food on their table. They’d come to an all-day eggs and pancakes outlet, modest in setting but clearly as popular as it was touted to be it to be given it had taken then thirty minutes to be seated this late on a Saturday afternoon. She looked around and watched as couples, groups, even small families huddled over their rickety wooden tables creaking under the weight of similarly overindulgent food. There were smiles all around but the biggest one had to be one the face of the man she loved so much that she wanted to hit him till he stopped smirking. Shiv-ji, telling him she wanted to take the next step in their relationship was clearly the biggest kick his ego had received in years – the last time being the two of them and declaration of love and the time before that being the two of them again and a list of film songs. Dammit, she was so screwed. And heck, he was right – even in her own thoughts, she couldn’t say sex or make love! How the hell was the conversation she had never intended to happen, now going to shape up?

“We’re not going to do this every day, baby.”

“Don’t call me baby.” She said with narrowed eyes.

“Really? It’s that bad?” Arnav asked with almost a half-pulled down expression that was comical as it was endearing. Here was the Senior Manager who dazzled board rooms and promised to change fortunes of the modern day monarchies. “This is the second time you’re saying it today.”

“Baby is a thin person endearment.” She quipped. Something had unbolted years of inner turmoil in her head and now there seemed to be no holding back. Or perhaps she was just pathetic enough to want him to reassure her like he had tried to this morning. Of course, if he’d actually said that he didn’t think she was fat, it would have been something. No sooner had the thought crossed her mind, she rolled her eyes at herself. Who was she kidding? If he had said anything to the effect of dismissing her weight and size, she’d have dismissed his opinion on the subject forever. Either way, she was going to convince him that she was a complete lunatic and sometime not very far in the future, despite all his assurances, he was going to run far, far away. Now her only consolation was that he would continue to add up to his list of vices which currently sat at high-handedness and a proclivity to patronize – neither of which was very savory to her…

“What?” He said holding on to “the fuck” that should have come after that. She could almost see it in the thought cloud above his head.

“Baby is a thin person endearment.” She repeated, half-embarrassed and half-struggling to stay true to her promise of not holding back.

“And what is a…” He paused, like most people did at the word she knew wouldn’t come if she didn’t offer help.

“Fat” She supplied. “Fat is the opposite of thin. The internet says that is the acceptable word these days. From experience I can vouch for the fact that healthy, big and overweight are just as uncomfortable to hear if not more.”

He chuckled wryly as he took a sip of his coffee and a bite of his deliciously loaded waffle. “Thank you for expanding my knowledge on the subject. What is a fat person endearment?”

“There aren’t any.” She shrugged.

He stared at her mutely for several seconds. “You are doing this to scare me?”

She smiled and shook her head. “This is the part of me that you haven’t seen and given my size, that’s quite something…”

“God!” He exclaimed with a surprised chuckle. “All this zing…Where have you been hiding?”

It shamed her almost immediately when he didn’t take offense to her words. She was being bitchy, a pain in the ass actually. And he…He didn’t deserve it. He had done nothing to.

“Shona.” She said softly with a small smile. “I think shona is a fat person endearment. Or Jaanu.”

This time he let loose his amusement, taking her along with him, the fingers of his perceived hilarity tickling her into chuckles. It was strange, she concluded when they spent several indescribable moments just looking into each other’s eyes and laughing. It was also cathartic – liberating in a way that little else had been. When the chuckles subsided and something warm and tender filled his eyes, she knew he felt the same way. “I love you.” She said softly. “Irrespective of how I said it this morning, I do.” She whispered, making him gulp in a way that tore at her heart. Why couldn’t she have been a simple, happy girl who would bring him as much joy as he deserved? “I am sorry. It’s just…I have been dealing with this fat thing for too long. It shows up in the strangest ways. Snark, bitchiness, self deprecating humor, sullen moods, anger,” She took a deep breath. “Even tears.”

He reached out to cover her hand with his. “Will it help if I tell you that you are…”

She shook her head in a moment of sheer panic as she realized what he was about to say. “You know the medical exam we go through when we join IE-V? The doctor looked at me and laughed saying I would end up ten kilograms heavier at the end of four years given I was already so overweight. He hadn’t even checked my weight when he said it. So, no. Don’t say it. It will not help.”

He looked at her as if he understood exactly what she was feeling. On another day, she would have assumed the look in his eyes was one of indulgent pity – one she always thought she saw in the eyes of her family when they saw her struggle with her appearance. Today, however, she knew she wanted to believe the best in him. What was the point of loving someone if you couldn’t believe even such simple things? “You remember asking me the day I was leaving Detroit if I trusted you when you said you love me?”

He nodded simply.

“I do trust you.” She said softly. “I just don’t understand why you do though.”

“Khushi…”

“Please let me say what I need to.” She requested, her eyes flitting in and out of his gaze as she gathered her wits and rounded up her courage.

He nodded again and squeezed her fingers slightly.

“There are only two people in the world who are not family and still love me. Arjun and you. Arjun…not romantically of course – when he meant it like that – though he didn’t quite use those words – I didn’t believe him. I still don’t. That he loves me now…is the way one loves a very close friend. It’s taken us years to get here.” She said and sighed. “You…on the other hand. I don’t doubt that you love me. But I really don’t know why. And perhaps I am being selfish in asking but if…” She trailed off. She knew his answer wasn’t going to miraculously rid her of her self-doubt and still…perhaps today was one of those self-indulgent moments one was allowed to wallow in for a day or so in their lives. She hoped it was.

She waited and watched, prepared to let him off the hook if he were to seem to struggle too much. Strangely enough though, his mouth curved into a small smile, like there was a secret he was carrying and she had somehow stumbled on to it. “You are smiling.”

Arnav nodded his head. “I asked myself this question two years ago when…after I saw Tripti on IM-A campus.”

“Oh!”

He shook his head. “Not in a bad way. I needed the answer myself to make sense of the path I was choosing. I was…I don’t want to call it scheming but I was wishing this grand sequence of events – which more or less did end up unfolding like I hoped for but at the time had no confidence in.”

She smiled. “You have better luck with plans than I do then.”

He chuckled. “No, I don’t.”

“If you are talking about the Nonsense Plan of the Decade from the Monsoon of 2005…”

“That was not my plan.” He said wryly.

“Right.” She rolled her eyes.

He laughed. “Anyway, back to question at hand.”

She took a deep breath and straightened her back even as he watched her prepare for his words.

“Why do I love thee? Let me count the ways.” He said softly.

“Poetry?” She asked as her eyes widened in her head. Dammit. “I must tell you that I don’t…”

“Just these words, I assure you.” He interrupted. “And I’ll admit I have no clue how my brain managed to retrieve these lines so swiftly right now.” He said wryly.

“Phew” She blew air out of her mouth in mock-relief. And despite her attempts, the import of the moment was buzzing softly in the air around. It was in the clatter of cutlery and the mutterings and laughter of groups and pairs. It swirled in the aromas of coffee and baked sugar and trickled down her back in the swelter of an imminent rain.

When he spoke, a note long forgotten beeped in the lub-dub of her heart and tingled in her ears. “When we were in college, it was the music that kept bringing me back to you. I couldn’t keep myself away. I didn’t understand it. And I sure didn’t welcome it. But I felt powerless in a strange way. But even then, it was the grace of your personality that first struck me. There is nothing more attractive than a woman who walks with her head held high amidst those who are whispering, mostly in awe and awe-inspired ridiculousness.”

“Don’t make me sound like…” She interrupted as her cheeks flushed.

“You asked a question,” Arnav reminded her immediately.

She breathed in again and waited for him to continue. She needed to quell the instinct to speak in again, the need to get up and leave. If they’d been in her room, she’d have paced the length of it and thanked her Shiv-ji for the opportunity to keep her eyes averted. Now, however…

“It was always true that your thoughts were transparent on your face. And yet, there seemed to be this air of…mystery…”

“Really Arnav…”

“Again?” He raised an eyebrow and one side of his mouth in opposite ended curves. It had to be patented, she thought to herself, this expression he seemed to be able to sculpt on his face so easily.

“Fine.” She grumbled. “But can you please tone down the…”

“No. Do you want the answer or not?”

“Actually I don’t think I do anymore.” She pointed out. She picked up her coffee and gulped it down.

“Chicken.”

“I am.” She acknowledged. “And just so you know, this tactic never works with me. Call me a coward and I will agree right away.”

“Why am I not surprised?”

“Because I am no mystery. Just the opposite actually. You are just making it sound like…”

He looked at her quietly for a second. And then cleared his throat. “I want to make love to you.”

She choked on her saliva and coughed as he continued to stare at her unblinkingly. “What?” She asked, her voice gruff and pained. “Where did that come from?”

“It was always here,” He said indicating the space between them. “Do you think we should get married first?”

“Huh?” She shook her head. “What are you talking about?”

“If you won’t let me answer your question in words, there is only one other way I can think of to be just as effective, if not more.”

Her skin blazed with his words and her eyes stung in a burst of piercing desire that shot up her veins. He was going to kill her someday. But…there were in public and there were in the middle of a serious conversation. “It’s not funny,” She said with a frown, her hands now clenched in her lap.

“I’m glad because it’s not supposed to be.” He said as his eyes darkened and flitted across her face. It had to be the early evening sun in his eyes that made them glow so, she concluded. It couldn’t…he couldn’t possibly be serious. Sure, he’d said…things….earlier…but…

“Are you mocking me?” She asked in half exasperation. “Because…”

“You think that me asking your permission to make love to you is…”

“Stop saying that phrase like…”

“No.” He shrugged. If only he had been even slightly amused in his expression, she might have stood up and walked away. What was that she had wished about his list of vices? Idiot…

“Is that your word for the day?”

“No,” He said again and this time a small smile cracked his lips apart at the seams.

She let her shoulders slump. “Why are you punishing me? It was a small slip this morning, one that was really avoidable if only you’d let me…”

This time something in his eyes flickered. “You really don’t get it, do you?” He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He motioned for their server to bring their check and her heart squeezed painfully. She hadn’t meant to be that dramatic but somehow…

“We are leaving.” She stated, using the obvious to assuage the acerbicity of her thoughtlessness. What was wrong with her? It was like she’d suddenly unleashed a side of her that she never wanted even hinted at.

“You said you were done ten minutes ago” He pointed out and she nodded prompting him to go about attending to the mundaneness of commerce.

Once they were done, he rose and offered his hand which she took without shivering evidently and they made their way out of the little home. By the time they were in Raagini’s car, Khushi’s nerves were stretched tauter than a tuned guitar. One pluck and she would…She looked out of the car as it battled with the weekend traffic. It was only a few minutes later that she realized that they were not headed in the direction of her home. “Where are we going?” She asked.

He looked at her for a second and named the area almost on the other side of the city. She knew he didn’t stay there either so it struck her as odd. “Where are we going? We are…At least I am not dressed to meet people.”

“We are not meeting anyone.”

She looked at him and waited as he continued to drive in concentration, offering her no more explanation. “We are going to have a colorful future, I can see. I am not going to let this go everytime, you know. I may be bad at confrontation but I have never backed down from an ongoing war of words.” She muttered under her breath and waited for the day to play out. It was clearly going somewhere and she had to admit, a part of her, the cynical part infact, was curious.

——–

When she walked in to the large penthouse, a rush of mellowing yellow and the beginning of freshly squeezed orange at the edges filled her eyes. Bouncing off rich mahogany doors and dusty marble on the floor, the evening sun pushed against her eyelids and kept them wide open in surprise. She turned around to look at Arnav who was just pulling the door close. The sales officer who had accompanied them all the way up, had of course been sent away. She didn’t even know this was possible.

“You like it?”

She swallowed and looked around again. Rooms opened all around the large square living room she was standing in. The living room opened into a gardened-balcony that overlooked a wooded portion of land clearly occupied by the State. On the opposite end, a wooden stairway spiraled up to the next floor. This was the stuff of dreams, she concluded – one that was now beginning to scare her.

“It’s…” She had no words. “You…you’ve bought…it?” Shiv-ji had sent her tumbling into someone else’s life, she told herself. This was not her world. She didn’t suddenly wake up in the arms of the man she loved. She didn’t have the same man tell her he couldn’t wait to…No…she couldn’t allow herself to recall his words if she wanted to stay on her feet.

“I’ve paid a token booking amount but that was almost a year ago. It wasn’t ready to occupy then, of course. And it’s been a bad market for real estate so they’ve let me hold on to this. But…I really like this property…and a house is…I guess at least one is sort of a given in the lifetime…” He shrugged and looked around. “I wanted to have you take a look. I was going to…” He took a deep breath and looked at her. “I was going to tell you about it at leisure and see if you like it enough for me to hasten the buying decision.”

“Why?” She asked stupidly and then immediately regretted her question.

He raised an eyebrow.

“Don’t answer that. It was a stupid question.” She whispered and then decided to take advantage of the space that she now had at her disposal unlike earlier in the day. She hurried and walked to the balcony, pushing the large French doors apart to step out into what was half a garden in waiting and half a brick-tiled seating space. She closed her eyes and breathed in deeply the clean evening air, something the city was fast losing in the kilometers being plucked out of potholed roads and being replaced by minutes and hours. When she opened her eyes, the flicker of fire that was rapidly turning orange, flickered with the unlikely clarity of an impossible dream.

He joined her just a few moments later as she placed her hands on the railing. He stood next to her, looking out at the trees and the city sprawled in a chaotic mess, beyond. Lights were beginning to twinkle in the distance, the bells of night tolling in the flicker of their languorous awakening. “Can you see us here, Khushi? Ten years from now? Still fighting because you still think I am condescending and because I still cannot believe you can be so oblivious to your own power?”

She could. It was that simple. Isn’t that why she’d hurried out of the space that was beginning to fill up with possibilities? She turned to look at him and wasn’t surprised when she found his gaze fixed on hers.

Before she could say anything, he put his arm around her waist and pulled her closer, kissing her deeply as she struggled with her own emotions and finally gave in. Before she could tell her intent from his, she was kissing him back till they were both fighting for air and a hold on their basest instincts.

“I love you, Khushi. And that means I love everything about you. I see a future for us. Here, or anywhere else that catches your fancy. I see us making love, making babies. I see us fighting and frustrated. I see us dreamy eyed and hopeful. I know we will see grief and uncertainty. We will wonder about the choices we made, including the one we seemed to have had made for us. But most of all, I see us together – naively enough to add that forever right away. Nothing as ridiculous as appearance is going to stand in the way. You asked me to not tell you what I really think about your physicality but the reality is that I never thought about it more than one does when one sees another for the first time.”

She would cry when these lines came back to her later tonight she knew. She would smile at the memory years from now. She would struggle to recollect the exact tenor of his voice and the construct of that declaration when she’d recount it to her eager teenage daughter or embarrassed new adult son as fate might decide. She would doubt them eventually, of course. Perhaps, she would even end up dismissing his declaration like she now did her sister’s. But she would remember this moment, she promised silently.

And with the small promise, she threw all thought she had bubbling in the deepest recesses of her mind – out of her head and she threw her arms around his neck, burying her face in his shoulder as his other arm curved around her and his body pressed against hers. She knew the fears hadn’t gone away and that they probably would linger a lifetime; that they would make their presence felt when she expected them to and perhaps sometimes when she was least prepared to handle them. But at the moment, she wasn’t going to let them ruin what she’d found at long last, not any more than they had already, not any more than they would without her assistance anyway.

“I don’t think we should wait.” She whispered in his ear and smiled as she heard his breath slice through the air and settle against the edge of her scar.

River Song, Music and Lyrics

Song Title: Tumse Milke Dil Ka Hai Jo Haal…

Album: Main Hoon Na

Singers: Sonu Nigam, Aftab Sabri, Hashim Sabri

Music: Anu Malik

Lyrics: Javed Akhtar

 

Dil mera paagal hai jaana, isko tum behla do

Dil mein kyon hulchul hai jaana, mujhko tum samjha do

Mehka jo aanchal hain jaana, isko tum lehra do

Zulf jo baadal hai jaana, muihpe tum barsa do

Jaana le jaaya hai, tera yeh deewana

Jaana tujhpe mit jaayega, tera yeh parwana

Jaana mere dil mein kya hai, tune yeh na jaana

Jaana tujhko yaad aayega, mera yeh afsaana

 

 

Note: Next update on Monday, Dec 4, 2017 – late night IST

Chapter Twenty Seven: Virgin Territory (I)

Once again, this moment this day

I wonder about you, my friend who slipped away

How might you have laughed

In a tale that this is today?

 

He watched as she stepped away from the bed and paced up and down the room, her back turned towards him and yet everything cold and stiff like he might have never imagined given how wonderfully snug she was when pulled up flush against his body. His blood still thrummed as if inebriated from her nearness. It had always been a Herculean task to keep his need in check with her but today…He was an absolute idiot to have pushed her into saying the words that seemed to be the only salve to his craving. But…

She turned around, her eyes suspiciously glimmering. Shit! She was crying…He practically jumped out of the bed and rushed to stand in front of her. “Khushi…” He said softly, reaching out to wrap his arms around her and pull her closer, vowing mentally to keep himself in check. He needed to feel her against him, just to make sure that the last ten minutes were not enough to threaten what they’d been able to so carefully build over the preceding ten weeks.

She stepped away from him, putting more distance than he was either comfortable with or ready for.

“Please look at me.” He urged, his voice cracking with fear that just hours ago had no place in their newly embellished world – one that was shimmering with promise of a multi-hued future. There was so much to look forward to and yet, all he could think of at the moment was the last day of her stay at the River five years ago. The look in her eyes, it was achingly familiar even as baffling as it was. “I know I pushed you. I am…I am sorry…I really should have waited for you to say the words in your own time. I guess I just took it too lightly.” It was true. Somehow, the fact that she’d laughed at her own five month wait clause had made it easy for him to believe it was just a whim, one of those rare instances of coquetry that he cared little for in other women and yet was such a turn on when he imagined it to being employed by Khushi.

She turned around slowly and blinked repeatedly and rapidly, a gesture he now realized was one to hold tears in check. God! What the hell was going on here? What the hell had he been thinking? And then as suddenly as the waves of guilt had sucked him into their deluge, a rush of confusion and bewilderment knocked at his heart. “Khushi,” He whispered again. “What is the matter?”

She looked at him almost defeatedly and shook her head. “Nothing. I just…I think I just got overwhelmed. I know…” She took a deep breath. “I know you were just… I need to get out and clear my head. I’ll be fine…” She whispered and took another step away from him. “See I told you I am terrible with surprises. I make one effort and…” She chuckled, the watery sound doing nothing to soothe his nerves though it was clearly what she was trying to do. And if anything, it just scared him more.

“No.”

Her eyes widened at the single word inadequacy that was his response. If she wasn’t great at surprises, he was an idiot with confrontation. Professionally, he’d never had an issue calling things out when they weren’t working. Shyam had always maintained it was his biggest strength – even when he was new to the firm, to consulting, to client facing roles. He’d never shied away from calling a spade a spade at work. But in his personal life…“I mean,” He began slowly as he took a step towards her. “If there is something…” He shook his head as his brain failed to grasp the right words.

“There’s nothing. I just told you I need to clear my head…”

“It’s not nothing, Khushi. And we are going to have a lot of these moments in the future. If you decide to keep everything that is bothering you to yourself, we are going to be in a very unhappy relationship.” Dammit. He sucked at this. What the hell was he saying? Rather, why wasn’t he saying it better? This was he was just going to end up pushing her further away…without even knowing what it was that….

“We are going to be in an unhappy relationship anyway,”

For a second, he thought he was just hearing his own words echoing in his head. “What?”

“Nothing….See…I am just…” She threw her hands up in the air. “I need some air. Why can’t I go out and just be for a few minutes? I’ll know what I am saying then…”

“You mean you will measure every word till what you say is nowhere close to as caustic as what you really want to say.”

“Why is that a bad thing? What is the point of letting your words get away and hurt someone when you know better? She asked, her eyes now spitting fire like they rarely did. But when they did…a shiver ran down his spine. She was magnificent like this…and he…

“And don’t say you don’t do exactly the same thing yourself – measure every word before you actually spit something out. This is the pot kettle black thing…”

A small smile broke at the corner of his lips. And it served no purpose but to heighten the blaze in her stance. Her jaw tightened and she stared at him silently for a long moment before she turned away from him and made to walk out of the room.

“Shit!” He cursed and then rushed forward to catch hold of her wrist as she approached the door. He missed her hand and caught her T-shirt instead. Without thinking he simply tugged at the piece of well worn cloth in his hand and closed his eyes in a sigh of near bliss when she tumbled against him. A small groan of unparalleled frustration singed through his skin as his blood rushed south and sent his his head reeling. He was reacting like a starved man – which is exactly what he was and yet it had never been a vice he’d had to fight too hard to keep quiet. If anything, he’d worried, rather stupidly, about the strength of his desires when those around him were finding nooks and crannies to get stupid and as crudely satiated as only boys in in their early to mid-twenties could. This woman, this insanely, ridiculously glorious woman that was in his arms was finally testing his limits in the worst way possible.

“Sorry…sorry…” She was saying to him, he realized as he took deep breaths and clenched his fingers around the cloth at her back, his lungs full of her heady scent. Did she know she smelled like the richest caramel, slightly bitter at the darker edges but bursting with sweetness at the center?

“Why are you apologizing?” He asked lazily as he stopped her wiggling body from making it impossible to stay decent when they were in the middle of a…was this a fight? A disagreement?

“I hurt you…you groaned…I mean you made a noise…” Her eyes were flickering rapidly, her cheeks full of rose. If only the curtains from the window to his left fluttered, the afternoon sun would set her face aglow. And here she was thinking she hurt him?

“This is why…” She continued a second later, her mouth drooping as she spoke. But it was the way her eyes slid from his that he knew they had a problem on their hands.

He watched as she unentangled herself from him and stepped back to look at him. “Why do you think we are going to be unhappy anyway, Khushi?” He asked softly, finally zeroing in on the words that he instinctively knew, held the answer to the puzzle that was spinning around her at the moment.

She looked at him, thoughts rushing and out of her eyes as carefully orchestrated blinks. It was the slight exhalation followed by the sagging of her shoulders that clued him in to the seriousness of whatever she was about to say. And it scared him because for once he didn’t know what to expect.

“Because I am fat.”

He stood in absolute silence as she finished the statement that was – by his own admission – not even on the radar of things that it might have been. A part of him, a really selfish part of him almost expected her to tell him about being pressurized by her parents to get married soon –especially in the wake of that matrimonial lunch date that had sent him scurrying up his alley of last resorts.

He watched as she looked at him, her face flush with embarrassment and her eyes – Shit! She was waiting for him to react to that statement…How did anyone react to that statement? “I don’t…I don’t understand…What does that have anything to do with us?”

Her face fell almost instantly and he knew was messing this up again. He was such an idiot! Wasn’t he supposed to say something that would dismiss her declaration? Wouldn’t that be the right thing to do? He shook his head vehemently. This wasn’t one of those WhatsApp wiles that distant uncles on permanently muted WhatsApp groups kept posting jokes about. This…this was a smart, educated, strong, beautiful woman – a woman he loved – telling him she thought she was…fat. What it actually, perhaps meant was…The thought unsettled him and took him back to the first few weeks of her time at IE-V. How many times had comments about her weight and her lack of conventional attractiveness made him squirm in his seat? Heck, when asked in a roundabout fashion, he had found himself unable to explain his attraction to her…Not in IE-V, not even back by the River. Now…of course, now he knew that it didn’t matter, that an analysis of why was never going to bring joy that the execution of it would. He loved her. What reason was good enough to justify that?

“Why would that make us unhappy, love?” He asked instead, wanting to hear more of her real fears before he could jump in with any reassurances – in words or actions.

“Because I am fat,” She repeated plainly. “And I need to lose weight…especially if…” Her face flamed and she pushed her hair away from her face, her glasses up the bridge of her nose….

“Especially if?”

She looked away as she bit the insides of her cheeks and clenched her fists tight. Everything about her was wound up. “This is insane. What was I thinking?” Then she looked at him again. “Isn’t that enough that I think I am fat and that I need to lose weight…It really is as simple as that?”

He let the words sink in before he spoke. “If you’d said that is why you would be unhappy…relationship or otherwise…then yes, I agree – it is simple – the problem and the solution.” He took a step toward her, careful to maintain his distance so as to not scare her anymore than she already was. “But you didn’t say that. You said that we would be unhappy in this relationship. That – I presume – includes me?”

She let out a small cry of disbelief.  “I cannot believe this. I just confessed about my deepest fear, regret, shame, whatever the hell you can call it. And you are…you are being technical about it.” She shook her head. “I’ve said enough. And there is nothing for you to do…I am…I have already started working on my weight…I will be…”

The comment from a few days ago about wanting being hungry at night suddenly made sense. As did a comment from their time in Detroit when she’d compared herself unfavorable to her sister…There was clearly a pattern here…One he wasn’t sure he was equipped to handle.

“Khushi,” He started again slowly. His mind was crafting to the question he was going to ask. But he needed to be sure before he could say or do anything else. “Why do you want to lose weight?”

She looked at him in sheer incredulousness. “I can’t…” She shook her head. “Can we please forget about this – like I requested right at the beginning of this ridiculous conversation? If only I’d just had two minutes to gather my thoughts…”

“This weight loss program…” He began, ignoring her muted anger. “This is for my benefit?”

She stared at him, a million answers flooding her eyes with sharp tears. It clawed at his heart to see her struggle like this. But it was necessary for them to get through this conversation – however hard it was. If it was serious enough for her to get worked up about it, it was serious enough for him to persist till he knew enough.

“No,” She replied but even in the strength of her voice, he knew she was lying.

“Khushi…”

“Yes. Okay, fine. It is. It is for both of us. But basically,” She placed her palms on her forehead and pressed hard. “I need to lose weight so that we can…so that…” She looked down and swore under her breath once before giving in completely. “Fuck, I am fucking twenty eight years old….I cannot be embarrassed about…” She looked up. “I want to lose weight so that someday, this relationship can be about more than just kissing. That when you kiss me, I am not only worrying about how the folds of my skin feel in your head. That when we…”

“Khushi” He rushed forth and curved his hands around her neck and face, tilting her up so he could look at her. If this was frightening her, he couldn’t help it. “You think we haven’t…had sex because…I don’t find you…”It was so ridiculous that he wanted to cry out loud. “attractive enough to want to…?”

“I have seen myself in mirrors all my life, Arnav. I know what I look like…I have seen all of me…and it is not…it is not pretty. I cannot imagine…If you looked at me and cringed it would…”

“Stop,” He said, his voice harsher than he’d wanted it to be. “What…what the hell is going on in that pretty, smart head of yours, Khushi. Where is all this coming from? What have I said that has made you believe…”

“Nothing!” She whispered. “This is not about you. I never…you have been wonderful. Even this morning…I don’t know why I got so upset about your teasing. I want to be this warm and fuzzy person I imagined being but all I am able to manage are these sharp, hurtful spikes…”

He took a deep breath and brushed his lips against hers lightly. “You want to know why we haven’t done more than kiss?” He didn’t wait for the answer he knew wasn’t going to be forthcoming. “Because I am an old romantic fool, I guess. I wanted for you to say that you love me – of your own accord. I wanted for it to be the moment I could finally relax and let my body behave the way it aches to around you. I would have asked you then if we could make love or if we should wait to get married before we get to that stage.”

She made a small noise at the back of her throat and it sent him headlong into a pained chuckle. “You don’t believe me? Or do I sound like a 60s hero?”

“People were a lot more progressive in the 60s” She whispered, making him chuckle in mirth this time. “Roop tera mastana, remember? Also Julie…”

“The Neha Dhupia one?” He asked with a small smile as he wound his arms around her waist. “You’ve seen that too? Impressive…but it wasn’t as far back as the 60s, you know”

Her eyes grew round and wide behind her glasses and she shook her head. “No!” She cried out. “The…Dil Kya Kare one…”

He smiled at the inevitable appearance of her fondness for Bollywood trivia in their conversations and pulled her closer.

“You knew which Julie,” She said as her brows narrowed and her eyes sharpened. “Why are we talking about movies?”

“We always talk about movies.” He pointed out and kissed the corner of her lips.

“No,” She shook head. “We talk about songs…”

“We’ll have to change that, then. And we can start with Julie…”

“It’s not funny,” She blew out, her eyelashes now spiky with unshed tears. But there was color in her cheeks once again. And at the moment…

“You know why else we haven’t done more than kiss, baby?” He whispered against her ear as he caught her ear lobe with his teeth.

“Don’t call me that. I told you, no one can pull it off. It’s annoying, really.” She said as her fingers curled into his arm. And then a second later, she shook her head and just like that, his body hardened. And she thought she wasn’t…

“We haven’t done more than kiss because you can’t even say the words, Khushi. You can’t say sex. Or make love. Sure you say fuck but as much as I wish it was, it isn’t in the same vein…”

She glared at him. “So this is my fault…? What about the fact that you never said anything either? What about this entire wait till we get married thing? Did you ask me before….” She let out a deep breath. “What am I saying!” She looked up and pushed at his chest, wiggling to let herself out of his hold. “Let me go.”

“No.” He said simply.

 “What do you mean?” She said as she struggled against him, torturing him deliciously. All these days, he’d had to fight his body and look what that had translated to in her head? “Let me go.”

“All these days, I did. And you seem to think that’s because I don’t want what you want. Or at least claim to. Now…wait for a few moments and I will not need to tell you what you do to me.” He bent his head close to her ears again. “You want to see how you are driving me insane? You want me to tell you that when I run my hands against the softness of your skin, I am struggling to not visualize how sexy it would be put my lips where my hands have been? You want me to tell you how I have to fucking breathe just do I wouldn’t rip things and let my teeth mark you in way you’ve marked me by just being with me?”

Her eyes blazed as she stared at him, her skin flush with warmth. Desire, deeper than anything he’d ever felt kicked him in the plexus and bounced off her in strong, glowing ripples. And then she blinked and looked away, pushing against his arms that were still tightened around her waist. “Let me go.”

“Why?” He asked softly.

“Because I am asking you to.”

“And not because you think I don’t want what you want?”

She looked up at him for a second, a muscle ticking in her jaw as she stared into his eyes unblinkingly. Slowly, she shook her head.

“Do you want to make love to me, Khushi?”

She continued to look at him and then pushed his arms again. This time, however, she didn’t ask him to let her go.

“I don’t want to rush you, Khushi. But please don’t mistake that for lack of desire. I want you – in every way a man who loves a woman wants her. I want to make love to you. I want to have sex with you. I want to…” He took a deep breath and bent his head close to her ears. “I want to fuck you. I want you to fuck me back. I hope you want all of these things. Because we may have lost a decade but we have many more to utilize to the best that there is.” His heart was thumping in his chest. It was the boldest declaration he’d made in his life and yet, in the situation, he wondered if it was still adequate. He knew no other way to assure her.

She looked down and nodded her head ever so slightly.

“And we are going to talk about these things.” He continued. “Not make any assumptions without…”

She looked up at him. “We” She specified.

“We” He acknowledged, including himself in the promise more distinctly. “But first we will get some breakfast. I know this great place in…”

She swatted him in the arm lightly and then stared at her own hand as if shocked to have hit him. A decade younger Kaveri would have instantly apologized. Now, however, she just cleared her throat and spoke, no trace of mortification in her voice. “I just told you I need to lose weight. The fact that…” She cleared her throat again. “I mean…Nothing changes the fact that I want to lose weight.”

He bit back a chuckle. “I understand. But breakfast is non-negotiable.”

She rolled her eyes and he swiftly placed a kiss on her surprised lips. God, he loved her so much – complicated and jagged-edged as they were both turning out to be to each other.

“Will you now, please, for the hundredth time…let me go. It’s…a little…too”

This time he chuckled and reluctantly let her go. He watched as she stepped back and evidently kept her eyes fixed on his face, presumably to avoid looking down at the evidence of his arousal. Three weeks ago, it would have awkward for them…Heck, without talking about it, it had been awkward – at least for him. In some way, today, had set them free. He winked at her and breathed in deeply. “Give me a minute and we’ll be ready to go, okay?”

This time her eyes slid down and flared for a second long enough for him to catch her awareness.

“Aap convince ho gayin hai ya…”

“You are shameless” She retorted as she turned away and walked into the small kitchenette, busying herself with something he was sure didn’t need to be attended to half as urgently as her actions suggested. He chuckled to himself and let out a deep breath.

 

River Song, Music and Lyrics

Song Title: Khuda Jaane

Album: Bachna Ae Haseeno

Singers: Shilpa Rao, KK

Music: Vishal – Shekhar

Lyrics: Anvita Dutt-Guptan

 

 

Next Update: Monday, Nov 27, 2017, late night IST

Thank you all for reading and for staying with the River!

 

 

 

 

Chapter Twenty Six: In The Heat of the Moment

She drove in absolute silence, the car stereo uncharacteristically muted despite the fact that at this time of morning (or night depending on the kind of person one was) there would be only songs and no ads or annoying RJs on any of Bangalore’s radio channels. But then, it had also been an uncharacteristic move when Khushi had asked Raagini if she would lend her car for the weekend. To Raagini, it hadn’t been a question that needed any thought especially since she had been completely forbidden to drive on Bangalore’s non-existent roads after in her condition.

So here she was, at close to four in the morning, driving at the fastest speeds that Bangalore would ever deign to allow, heading towards the airport to meet – and surprise – Arnav Varun who was at this very moment on his way back from Los Angeles via Dubai. Of course, Arnav had no idea she was going to be at the Arrivals hall to meet him. She herself had no idea she’d be either brave or resourceful enough to arrange this little indulgence for herself as much as for him. It was during one traffic cribbing session in the office that the idea had come to her and refused to leave her side. One moment Raagini was claiming joyfully the happy side-effect of her bad back given it was keeping her away from losing her mind to traffic insanity. The very next moment brought with it the realization that Raagini’s eight month old hatchback was presently unused and uncontested for. It had taken twenty four hours for Khushi to fight and overcome inertia as old as she was – thankfully, her effort was lost on her friend.

The quiet in the car and the absolute stillness of the darkness outside, disturbed only sporadically by fellow airport-goers – presumably mostly those headed to meet clients, family or friends alighting from international flights, was a welcome respite from the mad rush of euphoria that had been her blood stream for the past forty eight hours. It had indeed a lot to do with the eagerness in Arnav’s own voice which Khushi had to admit had been its own brand of potent intoxication as she struggled to keep her mind focused on work. Khushi had finally been forced to wonder rather grumpily, why life couldn’t pause and let one enjoy the subtle seduction of a new romance. Now, with the weekend only just rolling in and bringing it with the man – once of her dreams, now of her reality; of her past once, her present now and of a possible future perhaps sooner than she’d imagined…

The thought brought the serenity in her head to a screeching halt as questions and doubts that she’d battled in many winning and losing wars came rushing back, ticking in her head like the blinking green turn signal on her dashboard. She had to actively push herself to ignore the negativity at a moment that deserved nothing but the love she carried in her heart and still refused to declare to he had been waiting for almost three and a half months now.

Thankfully, by the time she parked the car at the airport parking and made her way through the well-lit lot, now teeming with a host of inhabitants of the airport ecosystem – taxi drivers, airport shop owners, airport officials, security personnel and of course, receivers and travelers, nerves in her fingertips had been replaced with butterflies in her stomach.

———-

She still managed to jump when her phone started buzzing in her hands even as her eyes were trained on the continuous exodus of people through the doors. She was standing well behind the first line of defence that was the taxi drivers waiting with printed name boards and bored expressions, which meant that she found herself rising on her toes rather often to scan the exiting crowds. It was during one such tip up her toes that the phone started buzzing. An unfamiliar number flashed on the screen but she didn’t have to be Sherlock Holmes to figure out it was Arnav.

Shiv-ji, she whispered as she watched her phone and stepped away from the noise. She didn’t even have his India number stored on her phone. How had so much changed in such little time?

“Hi,” She spoke into the phone as she answered the call and waited to hear his voice.

“Address.”

“I might have been sleeping, you know.” She quipped as she turned around to face the glass doors and craned her neck again to get a better look.

“That’s precisely why I am being pithy. Give me your address and I’ll let you get another hour of sleep.”

“I am surprised you didn’t ask Arjun for it.” She said even as her heartbeat quickened in anticipation. “Where are you?”

“Immigration.” He replied. “And I forgot. Rather Arjun Agarwal decided he had to take the first available flight out to God knows where without spending as much as half a second to even say mundane things like thank you.”

“He’s flying to Mumbai. I think…” She cleared her head. “Tripti is participating in some business pitch contest in one of the local b-schools before she can join work later this month.” The fact that Arjun was flying directly to meet Tripti first, the fact that Tripti still refused to talk to her about Arjun, the fact that…

“Damn!” Arnav’s swearing ended her little trip down Trip lane. “The line I am in has to be the slowest in the history of queues. The man is chatting with everyone like he knows them all on a first name basis.”

“Actually,” She chuckled at his atypical petulance. “He does know them on a first, middle and last name basis. I mean he could given…”

“Khushi,” He warned. “I am not in the mood, right now. Just give me your address and then go sleep. I will see you in an hour.”

“More like ninety minutes even if your luggage shows up quickly.” She countered, enjoying the fact that she was able to tease him so. “And don’t…you must be tired. Go home, freshen up and get some sleep. We can meet for lunch…”

“A public place meeting after two months. Not a chance.”

Uh-oh, she thought to herself with a small coy smile. Someone was going to be very disappointed. “Okay. I will text you my address as soon as I hang up.”

“Hmm. Looks like I might be able to get my passport stamped in this lifetime after all.” Arnav said softly. “See you soon. And…if you cannot go back to sleep, let me know. Fifty-two kilometers is a long distance to cover in anticipation. Talking might help.”

Khushi smiled. “Bye…” And then on an impulse she didn’t identify with herself, she spoke again. “Arnav, today’s song…”

“If it is not Mera piya ghar aaya, I’ll be very disappointed?”

She laughed out aloud, not even bothering to be surprised that he’d guessed correctly. “Bye.”

“Bye.”

——–

She saw him immediately, of course, completely undermining her worry of missing him in the ever increasing milieu around her. Even after an almost twenty hour journey, he looked as collected as anyone could. When she’d made the same trip, walking out of the airport had her dropping things, pushing away errant hair from her face, worrying about having left her phone on the airplane…in short she’d been a mess. And he…

She pulled out her phone and dialed his number. He answered immediately as he turned to walk towards the taxi hailing zone and she walked behind him, a good hundred metres and several people of varied shapes and sizes, separating them.

“I cannot tell you how glad I am that you aren’t able to go back to sleep.” He said, his voice a lot more relaxed than it had been twenty minutes ago.

“You woke me up. And you didn’t even apologize.” She pointed out as she continued to trail him.

“Nearly two months since we last saw each other, Khushi and sleep is what you crave? I am…”

“Ha!” She snorted. “Look who’s talking about sleep. I am neither the one who falls asleep after promising to meet by riversides nor the one who panics because he overslept and…”

“Ouch…that’s a sharp tongue you have, my love. I’ve missed it.”

She blushed and looked down as she quickened her pace. She couldn’t wait for him to turn around and look at her. Gosh, her heart was about to give out in the next five minutes if…

“Fuck! There’s a kilometer long queue for cabs.” He groaned. It amused her to no end that he was edgy as he seemed to be. “I hate this city. How did I ever think I missed it?”

“You are cursing. That must be one long queue.” Khushi stepped slightly to her left and realized he was right. The line of people was snaking all the way out of her line of sight into the distance where cabs were still nowhere to be seen. She smiled to herself. “I should have come to pick you up.”

“Hmmm…As nice as it would have been, it’s too ungodly an hour for anyone to make an airport pickup trip. Plus, you don’t have a car, do you?”

“I could have borrowed Raagini’s.”

“Hmm…No it’s good you didn’t. It’s…It’s just an hour extra.” His voice almost sounded disappointed. Like it was a thought that had never crossed his mind but one that now troubled him because it hadn’t been either evaluated or executed. “Plus, as I said, I am not ready to meet you in a place teeming with people. Not before I’ve had enough kisses to make me forget about every opportunity we’ve missed in the last two months.”

Khushi’s face flooded with warmth as her fingers tingled and her feet stumbled. He was…”Tch, tch.” She whispered hoarsely – what was the point of clearing her throat – he was going to make her blush again anyway. “I could have helped you carry that duty-free bag. It looks heavy.”

“A couple of bottles of…” He began and then stopped in his tracks. She knew then that her words had found their mark. She kept walking as she watched him turn around even as he continued to hold on to the trolley.

His eyes found her almost immediately. She saw his eyes widen as his hands left the trolley and he watched her in what had to be growing realization. A second later, he was walking towards her, his gait purposeful as much as hers had become tentative. In less than a few seconds, he was standing in front of her, his eyes scanning her face urgently, an unfamiliar flash of insanity glinting intermittently in his eyes as he stepped closer and put an arm around her waist, pulling her closer. “I thought you weren’t good with sur…” He didn’t allow himself the luxury of finishing that statement as his lips hovered over hers, brushing against them ever so slightly. It sent a shiver of longing down her spine and warmed her blood stream under her skin.

“I have to keep up, nah?” She whispered against his mouth as his right hand curved against her cheek and his thumb traced the bone of her jaw. She shivered and only partially because of the nip in the open airport air.

“This is torture, Khushi.” He replied as his lips moved to the corner of her mouth.

“Jo haal dil ka, idhar ho raha hai…” She answered with a smile and then breathed in deeply to step away from him.

He was smiling at her, one hand still curved around her waist as the other dropped and slide down her arm. “You just upped the ante, you know. Now this surprise thing is a thing. It’s going to get tricky.”

Khushi chuckled. “I think I’ve exhausted my lifetime supply of creativity. So I might as well concede defeat right away.”

With that they collected themselves and stepped away from each other, both wearing inexplicable smiles in her eyes as they rerouted their paths and walked towards Raagini’s car that was waiting in the parking lot.

The ride back was as peaceful as the ride to the airport was not. Silence in the car had been replaced with music that served as the right punctuation to a conversation that meant nothing and everything at once. Arnav insisted on Khushi taking the wheel as a result of which, it turned out to be Arnav asking questions and Khushi answering even as she battled the wave of awareness that seemed to crash against her as often as she found his eyes fixed on her. By the time they were walking into Khushi’s apartment an hour later, the symphony of distance had built up into a crescendo that eventually led to a battle of lips and tongues.  eventually will power that won over desire. Again.

———-

The streaming sun in her eyes seemed to want to remind her of something important. It couldn’t be the pinch of her tortoise shell frame against her nose – that had happened too often in the past. So, she smiled and closed her eyes again, it had to be the warmth of a beating heart next to hers. She turned her head to her left and opened her eyes again when the soft rush of his exhalation brushed against her cheeks. It wasn’t the first time they’d slept like this, in each other’s arms and still burning with unfulfilled desire. But there was something about the fact that this was her home, her room that was now permanently imprinted with his presence.

She rose slightly and bent her head to place a small kiss on his lips, softer than the brush of hair against skin. As she did, her wrists jangled with the feather-light clink of the delicate watch he’d bought her. Her first romantically intended gift – one she’d been thrilled and utterly devastated to receive. Clearly he was used to gifting delicate things to the women in his life. But her…she was big-boned and broad shouldered. Small silver dials suspended by minuscule links were not meant for women like her. No, she corrected herself, she couldn’t generalize. They weren’t meant for her specifically. The watch made her aware of how wearing it made no dent in her appearance except to persistently hammer at the smile that she plastered on her face when she opened the box.

She was a good actor though. She must have been given the sigh of pure joy that had escaped his mouth when he’d watched her put it on. It was in that moment, she remembered, that she had promised to come clean with him. Yes, she told herself again, she needed to speak to him and she needed to tell him that she was finally willing to do what she knew he deserved. That she had already started her journey and that as hard as it was, she would make it through. She’d battled her weight related insecurities all her life – she’d blamed every bit of unhappiness she’d felt over the years – real or imaginary – on the weighing scale. She’d gorged on food, precisely because she knew she shouldn’t. She’d used it as a crutch, as a wall, as her spear and mace, her tears and her smiles. She’d even let it make her believe that she didn’t deserve him – this man who didn’t seem to give a damn about it – well except…

She shook her head as if to clear it and gently made to step out of her hastily pulled up duvet when she felt a tug against on her shirt. That she fell clumsily, half on top of him with her hair falling all around their faces like a curtain of privacy they didn’t need at the moment, was no surprise. Of course he was awake. Of course he’d felt the kiss on his lips.

“Abhi na jaao chhod kar,” He whispered against her lips.

She smiled to herself. “Such a cliché.” She tsked, her blood buzzing with energy that was at complete odds with her verbal response.

He stared at her silently for a long second, his eyes still like they hadn’t been in the few hours they’d spent before sleep staked its claim on their sense. It was a moment of thick, unexpected discomfort – one again that was all her fault if she were honest to herself. Why did she do this? Surely there was a point when it stopped being coy and just plain hurt.

“Tell me you love me.” He said as his hands let her nightshirt go and curved around her waist.

Not for the first time, she curled her fingers into his T-shirt and prayed for the first moment for him to not be put off by the bulges that were curving into his fingers. She let the moment pass and breathed in deeply. “Five…”

“Tell me you love me.” He repeated, his voice gruffer and more insistent against her lips. “Or I am going to kiss the damned words out of you.”

“Tempting,” She teased, biting on anxiety that was spilling into her fingers. And then, more to stop herself from thinking and ruining everything, she dipped her head and kissed him, hard. She forced her way into his muffled groans, nipping at his lips with more force than she knew she was capable of. Just about the moment when her own strength began to worry her, she found herself pushed back against her pillow, his lips holding on to her mouth even as she was preparing to let go. He was kissing her like he meant every word of his warning. He kissed her like she’d never imagined herself being kissed at all. It filled her with joy and dread in equal measure. She was going to disappoint him. It was going to happen. Now. Today.

“I love you,” He reminded her as his mouth hovered over hers. “Tell me you love me…”

It was one time too many. And she heard the thread around her heart snap as it expanded in a rush before squeezing back into its shell painfully. “I do.” She whispered and then looked right into his eyes. “You know I do. I always have. I love you. I hate that as much as I love it. But I love you.” Her eyes prickled and her heart struggled against her teeth. “I love you.” She whispered again and closed her eyes.

“Khushi,” He called out a long moment later. There was no pleasure or joy in his voice – how could there be when there was none in hers? When she opened her eyes, his eyes were brimming with regret and bewilderment. And it was her fault. “I am sorry. I didn’t mean to rush you…” He said softly.

“Didn’t you?” She asked, the words slipping out of her head sooner than she could rein them back in.

Damn! She had ruined it. Just as she’d known she would. She had ruined their bloody story.

She watched as hurt flashed in his eyes behind still glinting remorse. She waited as he let her go and pulled himself away from her, sitting up and allowing her to jump off the bed.

She had no idea what she was supposed to do or say now.

 

River Song, Music and Lyrics

Song Title: Cheeni Kum / Mandram Vantha

Album: Cheeni Kum / Mouna Raagam

Singers: Sherya Ghoshal / S.P. Balasubramaniam

Music: Ilayaraja

Lyrics: Sameer and Manoj Tapadia / Vaali

Khwaab rangeen hain, iss jahaan ke

Dekhle, dekhle, tu sajaake

Apne saaye se, tu nikalke

Dekhle, dekhle, tu badalke

Rangon ke hain mele, khushiyon ke hain rele

Dhadkan pe pehra kyun hai, kyun?

 

 

Notes:

1. The two songs here, musically similar and lyrically quite different, came to me in a moment of pure inspiration. The Cheeni Kum version seems to suit the moment for Khushi but I’d like to think Arnav Varun would understand the Mandram Vantha just as much at this time (if he could understand Tamil, i.e.) Hope you like both!
2. Next Update: Monday, Nov 20, 2017, late night IST